The Pink Factor

"My Turn!"

2011-08-14T15:25:00.002-04:00

Today in sacrament meeting there was a toddler sitting behind me. As the sacrament was making its way to us, she exclaimed, "My turn! My turn!" As I took the bread, I was trying unsuccessfully not to laugh. The tray continued down my row and into the hands of the priesthood holder passing the sacrament, and then I heard this (as it made it's way into her row), "It's coming! It's coming!"

It was ha-larious, but it also served as a great lesson. While it is not necessary or appropriate for us to make such exclamations while the sacrament is being passed, we should still approach the sacrament with similar excitement. "It's my turn to partake of the sacrament! Look, it's coming! It's my turn to renew my covenants!"

We are taught to reverently examine our lives and to remember the Savior and His Atonement during the sacrament portion of Sacrament Meeting every Sunday. But we should also look forward to it with excitment.

Yes, this little girl was simply excited to get some bread and water...likely a snack in her eyes. But we, too, should be excited to partake of the spiritual nourishment that the sacrament provides.

I Love My Fam!!!

2011-07-27T22:55:00.003-04:00

My parental unit was here over the weekend, along with Caleb and Mimi. I haven't seen my family since Christmas break, except for Mom, who came out to ski in February.

It was Pioneer weekend, so I had Monday off. I took Tuesday off as well so that I could spend extra time with the fam (my first day off all summer long!).

They got off to a rough start thanks to Caleb getting a stomach virus, so they didn't actually get to town until Saturday afternoon, but we unloaded the truck and then we all piled in (Nathan included) to go to Sandy to check out this fabric store that Mom loves. We spent a couple of hours there. I found some great fabric for a bug quilt I designed for Caleb, Mom and Mimi found tons of fabric for their projects, Caleb played games on my phone, and Dad and Nate chatted comfortably the entire time.

We headed to IKEA in Draper afterwards where Mimi picked up a ton of things (including a microwave), I found a magnet board for my office at work and bought some bamboo shoots, and where we picked up their delicious chocolate cake AND Swedish rolls. Yummmm!!! We had dinner at Noodles & Company and then hung out at my apartment until late.

Sunday was spent resting as Mom and Dad came down with the stomach virus Caleb had. Nathan came over after church (he brought his cat, Gordon, to visit) and made homemade crescent rolls (delish!!!) and then we had soft tacos for dinner with the Ah-mazing white cheesedip they brought from Las Palmas in Little Rock. Nathan now understands why Liz and I have been whining for months about missing white cheese dip. Total foodgasm (me, not him).

On Monday, Mom, Dad, Caleb, Nathan, and I headed up to Park City while Mimi stayed home with the virus. We hit the Alpine Slide (sooo fun!), watched Caleb bounce on the trampoline with the bungee cords, and ate ice cream before heading to the outlets. The pickings were slim because we are hitting the end of the season, but Mom, Nate, and I managed to find some stuff.

On Tuesday, Dad and I registered my car while Liz helped Mom and Mimi pick out makeup (her specialty). Then the fam and I headed over to Cafe Rio in Orem to have lunch before heading back to the apartment so Liz could show them how to use the makeup.

That night, Nathan arranged to get the boys (not his usual night) and we all headed over to Nickel City. Dad met one of the owners last year (her daughter is married to a guy I grew up with), so we were treated to free admission and drinks. We ordered a pizza and played a ton of games, and the kids even got a free game of laser tag. Nathan and I combined our tickets with his boys and we had over 2000, while Caleb cashed in over 650. Needless to say, we got a bunch of fun but useless items (including the purple dice that are now hanging on my rearview mirror!). Afterwards, we went to Yogurtland to indulge in some sweet goodness. It's seriously the BEST frozen yogurt around!!!

After Nathan and I dropped the boys off, we went with Dad to the Club to return Reginald (Caleb spent the weekend getting him out of his cage and putting him in his car) and hang up my magnet board (it required drilling into cinderblock). Then we called it a night. The fam packed up this morning and headed out while I returned to the craziness that is my life (i.e. work)!

Sadly, Mom has all the good pictures.

Perspective

2011-07-12T21:47:00.003-04:00

The past two days have gone surprisingly well. I think that my reprioritizing has really made a difference.

It's interesting because nothing has really change...not externally. Work is still crazy. Monday consisted of back to back meetings and me eating lunch quickly before the doors opened to let in the kids. It was followed by the usual craziness...running to the school district offices to pay for buses for this week's field trip...trekking out to Orem to the discount bread store to procure snack since our regular snack provider has not been providing...dealing with crazy kids...forgetting that I had scheduled mid-year evaluations....

But it was a great day. I came home, opened up my books for class (that I paid $75 to have Next Day Aired so I'd get them in time), ate dinner, watched an edited version of Derailed (not really worth the time, although it did finally get interesting at the end), and then spending time with Nathan.

Today I spent the morning in a Youth Council meeting for the Mountainland Region of Utah. I wore my pretty blue Banana Republic schoolteacher/librarian/1950s dress with my brown Mary Jane heels, Liz's gold bow headband, my gold Michael Kors watch, and my cream Coach purse...I was dressed for the part. As I sat down behind my name, saw my brand new business card holder made out of amber (I don't actually have business cards despite having worked at the BGC since October...it hasn't really been a priority), and looked over the day's agenda, I realized that I actually was a grown-up. I was on a council. I hadn't just dressed the part, I WAS the part. It was a little surreal. Especially when I remembered that I am running unopposed for the Communication Chair of the National Association for Drama Therapy (soon to be the North American Association for Drama Therapy)...another grown-up responsibility.

After the meeting, which ran late, I rushed to the Club to train my new hire (I use the word "train" loosely...it's more like trial by fire for her) before I had to run to pick up kids. Michelle had the day off, which meant that our tag team duty of getting the field trip ready (her job although I sometimes help) and dealing with the chaos of the Club (my job although she sometimes helps) fell to just me. And when I say chaos, I mean chaos. The day started with a bloody nose three minutes before the Club opened. Caitlin took care of that (it involved a tampon...our second one this year!) while I picked up kids.

When I got back, I dealt with the discussion of the bloody nose, and once that was over, I got everyone the necessary information for the field trip and then assigned a staff member to be in charge so that I could run to the Food Bank to pick up today's (and tomorrow's ) snacks. I came back to a little craziness.

I didn't have much of a lunch today. I mostly just ate here and there when I could. Which didn't help the tiredness and the headache I had today (I forgot to eat protein). But I must say, I resisted the urge to drink a diet coke at my meeting this morning...that makes four days with no caffeine!

My point in all of this isn't to just blog about my past two days. My point is that both days were super crazy and nonstop, just like all the other days. The difference was ME. My priorities were different...my day started differently...my perspective is different.

It's amazing how much that has helped. It has put me in a position to do my job better. In the past two days, whether I was with staff or with kids, I have been more focused, I have been a better listener, and I have been more present. I was able to do my job better because my outlook was different. Externally, nothing has change. The change has been internal.

I know it's only been two days. Life is bound to get overwhelming again and I am bound to lose perspective and feel like the external is controlling the internal. But for yesterday and today that is not the case.

I feel very blessed right now. I feel very lucky to be where I am...physically, spiritually, and emotionally. There is room for growth. I am only human. But I'm in a good place.

I write this, tired from a long day, with at least two hours of homework ahead of me when I really just want to crash. Tomorrow is full of craziness...two interviews, a meeting with my boss, and then a field trip to the pool, followed by a third late day in a row (Michelle and I switch off but I took her day today), followed by a two hour sewing class...in which I am behind because I missed last week and have not found time to catch up on my own. I should feel overwhelmed and stressed, but I'm not. My work will get done, my pajama pants will get sewn, and I'll work on my tan tomorrow assuming all goes well.

Plus, I just ate two dark chocolate Doves, courtesy of Nathan. Chocolate always helps.

Simplicity

2011-07-10T19:51:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in almost two months. Life has simply been crazy busy since I got back from Vegas.

The summer program at the Club started, and it has been overwhelming. Training staff, trying to get last minute things ready, dealing with field trips and parents and kids, firing a staff member, hiring a new staff member, the end of the fiscal year...that has been the last six weeks of my life!

In addition, I:

Got a sinus infection

Attempted to make it to bootcamp regularly...and failed

Hiked the Y for the first time in ten years

Started dating that boy I mentioned in the last post again (his name is Nathan...and he's not really a boy...he counts as a man, considering he is divorced with three boys)

Got called to be the Provident Living Specialist for my ward (I do have a co-specialist)

Started taking a sewing class

Started group tennis lessons (okay, fine, I missed the first four lessons due to the sinus infection, made it to one lesson, realized I hadn't missed anything thanks to Gail, the fabulous instructor from home, and cancelled the rest of my lessons because I realized they were too basic)

Stressed myself out to the point of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion

As a result, I stress ate, read a lot of books (which I bought...retail therapy, you know), took lots of bubble baths, and got a massage. In the process, I realized that I needed to simplify my life and reprioritize. Thank you Emily Watts for your book "Take Two Chocolates and Call Me in the Morning"...it helped in that decision!

I realized that the good things in my life are overshadowing the better and best things, and I have to make some changes in order to regain balance (and sanity!). There was a lovely talk at church today that included this thought: Strip everything out of your life and put them back in in order of importance, starting with Christ--get your priorities straight and everything will fall into place.

Well, duh! How had I forgotten this? I've been so overwhelmed by all of the things I HAVE to do (or at least think I have to do), that I have put off the true essentials.

Don't get me wrong. I still pray, I still go to church, I still read my scriptures. But I've simply been going through the motions because I don't have the energy to do much more than that. I've been so exhausted trying to fit everything in (bootcamp three days a week at 7 which means I get up at 6; trying to actually get work done while kids are at the club which is impossible; spending time with Nathan which is hard because our work schedules are different, he has play rehearsals, and he has the boys quite frequently (which is lovely, but often includes activities in which lately I have not had the energy for); spending time with other friends; doing school work; exploring new and old interests). All of those things are good...some are better and best...some are simply necessary. But the priority was wrong.

This weekend, I began reprioritizing...which also meant saying "no." I said no to the staff vs. teen softball game Friday night because I was so exhausted. Instead, I came home, read Emily's book, took a much needed power nap, took a bubble bath, and watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 with Nathan and the boys.

On Saturday, I woke up, went to the pathetic excuse of a Farmer's Market in Provo, then went to the grocery store where I actually bought stuff, came home, took a nap, did some laundry, caught up on some Hulu shows, organized my room, showered, had dinner with Liz, bought the coolest birthday present for an 8 year old boy ever (a Star Wars helmet), watched his delight in opening it and later wearing it, and caught the last half of Tangled with Nathan, the boys, and Nathan's family.

Today, I went to church where I thoroughly enjoyed all three meetings (a rarity at times...I really struggle with Sunday School after having studied religion with Joseph Fielding McConkie...twice). I felt uplifted and hopeful that I can reprioritize and simplify my life somewhat. I came home, ate lunch, and watched Johnny Lingo for the first time, followed by Thomas S. Monson's biography.

I then popped popcorn, drank black cherry kool-aid, and watched Summer Magic while chatting on Facebook, emailing my co-Specialist and my visiting teaching companions, and planning my schedule for the week.

Which brings me to now, when I'm blogging for the first time in six weeks.

I am making some changes. I have taken everything out and now I'm putting things back in.

I am dropping bootcamp, despite the fact that I have already prepaid for the next phase (4 weeks). It takes up two and a half hours of my day (half an hour to wake up and get ready, half an hour to get there, an hour of bootcamp, and half an hour to get home). It was good for me. It was challenging, and energizing at times, and it was leading me physically to a good place. Except that I barely managed to get there this past phase and it stressed me out that I couldn't. And the thought of adding that back to my routine after a week off stresses me out. It's good, but it's not better and it's not best. Despite losing the money, I feel good about this decision. I may revisit bootcamp in the future, but right now, it is not what I need.

Instead, I am going to make use of the gym that is 30 seconds away, in the clubhouse. With school starting, I won't have time to read for fun anymore, but if I walk on the treadmill or use the elliptical I can take a book with me. Reading helps me stay sane.

In addition, this change helps me gain some time back. Which I will use for proper scripture study. I won't be as rushed trying to get to work on time, so I can spend some time studying the scriptures and I will have time to enjoy breakfast, instead of scarfing it down before running out the door. I'll also have time to make my lunch which will be good since I don't usually have time to take a lunch at work during the summer. I'm usually eating during my staff meetings, or shoving food down between meetings with parents and field trips.

I'm going to set aside 20 minutes in the morning at work to prioritize the week's tasks...this week will still be crazy as I have meetings and interviews (for fall staff) in the mornings and then club from 1-6 everyday. On my late days, I'm going to try to spend ten to twenty minutes organizing my office (it's rather chaotic right now) in an attempt to regain some order. And then, I'm going to let go of what I can't get done and recognize that it is summer and summer is chaotic at the club. I'm going to count it a successful day if no one gets seriously hurt, emotionally or physically. And I'm going to play with my hamster more.

I'm going to come home and make dinner. And enjoy it. I'm going to schedule time for studying every week so that I can have my weekends free.

I'm going to continue to buy fun fabric so that even if I suck at sewing, I'll have something pretty to look at while I do it!

I'm going to set aside time each week to learn more about the various aspects of Provident Living so that I can do a decent job at my calling. And I'm going to try to apply them to my life so that even if I suck at my calling, something good will come out of it!

I'm going to be grateful for the time I do get to spend with Nathan (and sometimes the boys) instead of bemoaning the lack of time. I may be spending several nights studying at his rehearsals or in the green room once the show opens, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to eat chocolate when I need to, I'm going to buy flowers when I want to, and I'm going to read mindless books when I feel like it. I'm going to look for ways to serve others...even if it's just baking something fun for my staff.

It may not seem like much is getting simplified or even cut out. And perhaps it's not. But I'm reprioritizing (not that this list represents the necessary order of my priorities). Mostly, I'm just recognizing the need for change because things were not working for me before. I am reaching my burnout point...my well has been empty, but I began filling it up again this weekend.

And now, I'm going to make some black bean hummus. Which means I get to use my food processor. Which makes me really happy.

Running Away....

2011-05-26T22:53:00.002-04:00

I often joke at work that I am going to run away and join the circus. My specific job in the circus always changes...tightrope walker...elephant feeder...lion tamer.

I love my job. I really do. I often wake up and think about how much I love my job. I love that it challenges me. I love that it changes every day. I love that I never know what to expect. I love the kids.

Lately, though, work has been really stressful. I still love it, but there have been fewer GREAT days and way more RUN AWAY days lately.

I've spent the past month interviewing for summer staff. We did first interviews to weed out the people who would get eaten alive by our first graders. Then I invited the survivors to come "volunteer" at the Club for an hour to get a better sense of our kids (I wanted them to know what they were getting in to...we get a lot of former EFY counselors applying...our kids are NOT EFY kids) before they come back for the second interview, which involves teaching a class. Asking them to volunteer successfully weeded out about three people. Then I had second interviews, which take just over half an hour.

I hired eight Youth Development Professionals (YDPs) (one of my current YDPs is staying on, one is my new Program Director), one Power Hour Director (one of my current YDPs got this new position), and we are hiring a front desk person/substitute...but we still have to complete second interviews for that position.

In addition, we had two fundraisers in one week: The LaVell Edwards Golf Tournament and the Run for Kids (5k and 10k). The same day as the Run, I also took 11 kids (along with my Program Director and one parent) to see Seussical. It was super fun, but made for a long day and week.

Plus I'm in school.

Plus there was a boy.

I need a vacation. But alas, there is no time. Not for a good vacation, at least.

I decided to settle for laying out at my pool and going shopping with Liz in Park City.

Then we saw the forecast. Cold. Potentially rainy. Blech.

So, Liz and I have decided to run away for the holiday weekend...to Vegas. Land of sun and sin. And the largest H&M in the WORLD.

Bring it on, baby!

Our Awesome Staff

2011-05-17T16:46:00.002-04:00

Front row: Alayna, Michelle, Caitlin (with sign), Melissa, Malinda, Pam.
Back row: Carina, Alex.

I had to publish this picture so that I could actually put it on our website, so you get to see our wonderful staff at the Club. Happy AmeriCorps Week!

The LaVell Edwards Golf Tournament

2011-05-16T22:32:00.004-04:00

Part of my job at the Boys and Girls Club includes several fundraisers throughout the year. The Club relies on grants and donations to run, so we all have to chip in to make the fundraisers run well. Today, I worked at the 11th Annual LaVell Edwards Golf Tournament at the Riverside Country Club in Provo.

I woke up at 4:30 because I had to be there at 6:00 am. I was dragging because the gas station wasn't open for me to get a Diet Coke. But I had to run home to get my laptop, so I was able to grab one on the way back. Thank heavens!

I helped with registration and even checked LaVell in! It was freezing so we took turns going into the Golf Club to warm up...they had some seriously Ah-dorable golf outfits! I really need to take up golf...or at least pretend to. I would look really cute!

Anyway, after all the golfers headed out to play, I HAD to take my staffer, Alex, out to Hole 3 to hand out gift cards to the golfers who came the closest to the hole.

Which meant I HAD to drive a golf cart.

Taxing, I know. But someone had to do it. And I did look good doing it. I was so giddy. We had so much fun playing in it!

We had to do some more setting up after that, but some of us did have a chance to run out and grab some food. Michelle, Pam, Carina, Caitlin, and I rode the golf carts over to my car (on the other side of the club). Pam was driving and Michelle was next to her. I was standing on the back where the clubs go. Caitlin was driving the other one behind us with Carina hanging on the back trying to take pictures.

It was really windy today. And I was wearing a flowy dress. As we are driving through the parking lot, the wind comes along and my dress flew up, giving Caitlin and Carina a nice view of my underwear. Fortunately, Carina didn't get a picture!

Embarrassing but Ha-larious!

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

2011-05-13T21:44:00.001-04:00

I thought a lot about this poem last night as I said goodbye to someone who has become a really close friend. It made me think of all the friends I have had in my life. Most have come and gone, but a few are achieving lifetime status.

I have mourned those friends who have left me, whatever the reason but this is the first time that I have been the friend who walks away. And yet, I still mourned. Despite knowing that it was the right decision.

I am grateful for my lifetime friends. You know who you are. You are the ones I can call for anything, anytime. You are the ones that I can not talk to for months, but once we pick up the phone or see each other we pick up exactly where we left off and it feels right. You are the ones who love me in spite of my faults. You are the ones who have seen me cry. You are the ones who have seen me when I have behaved horribly and loved me anyway. Thank you for that.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Carrots

2011-05-02T21:15:00.002-04:00

When I think of the word "carrots" two things come to mind. The first is Gilbert Blythe tugging on Anne Shirley's braids and calling her "carrots" in order to get her attention.

The second is a memory of when I was three and my mom was trying to get me to eat carrots. I told her I didn't like carrots and that if she made me eat them I would spit them out at her.

She made me eat them.

I spit them out at her.

She never made me eat carrots again.

My father tried once to get me to eat carrots...they were mixed in with green peas. Which is gross, by the way. I didn't eat them. I'm pretty sure I lost some priviledges, but it was worth it.

Well, today, I ate carrots again. Little baby carrots. With hummus. They made me gag without the hummus.

Why, 27 years after the carrot incident, did I decide to eat carrots again? Well, there are a couple of reasons.

First, about a month and a half ago we had a lesson in Relief Society on the Word of Wisdom. I realized that I have a Word of Wisdom problem. I have no trouble with the don'ts, but I do struggle with the do's. I don't follow the food pyramid like a should...mostly because I don't like a lot of foods...specifically vegetables.

I decided that I needed to work on being better with the do's. I need to improve my eating. I realize that it is going to take a while to change a lifetime of habits and tastes, but it's worth a try. After all, I have already improved in the past 10 years...I actually eat salad now. And meat. Among other things.

I realized that in order to make this change, I need help. I have decided to turn it over to the Lord. If I am going to eat better, I am going to have to like more foods. But that is not going to happen unless the Lord helps me out.

The second reason is because I started Fitness Bootcamp today. And if it's going to work, I have to eat better. Nutrition is key to getting fit. So, after my Bootcamp orientation on Saturday, I bought groceries...including baby carrots.

And then today, I ate some. I'm going to eat carrots every day this week. It may not be a lot, but I will eat some. And I will eat them with hummus or ranch dip until I like them enough to eat them alone. If that day ever comes. And next week, I will pick a different vegetable to try.

Any suggestions?

Things That Make Me Happy

2011-04-19T17:55:00.013-04:00

While it was a lovely, rewarding, and really fun experience, I am happy that the play is over. I loved playing a hussy, even if not everyone loved my character. She was ridiculously fun to play!

I finally got around to watching this movie...I had to buy it first. It was definitely worth the money (unlike Tron: Legacy, which will be making its way to Caleb via the U.S. Postal Service in the next couple of weeks). I loved it! My favorite part was the mime who stopped the guards with his invisible wall. Ha-larious!

I am slighly obsessed with this movie and its accompanying soundtracks...specifically the Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester songs. It's a beautifully sad movie and the music is Ah-mazing!

I have been reading this book for about a month now, and I am almost finished. I love it! It is a fascinating read, and I love that there is a biological reason for why I am the way I am (as a female)!

This book was a delightful read. It's the same author who wrote The Luxe series. This series takes place in New York City during the Roaring 20s! It's mindless, but fun.

Reginald, my hamster. He makes me ridiculously happy. The kids at work love him! I brought him home last week because I took off two days during Spring Break. It was fun having him at home, although I did have to keep him in the laundry room at night because he was so loud! The first night I brought him home, he woke me up every couple of hours running on his wheel or chewing on the bars of his cage.

I bought him a cage extension yesterday...it's called a Lazy Look-out but everyone calls it the spaceship. He crawls up to the top. It's pretty cool to watch.

I forgot how much I love this show! Nathan and I saw it at the Hale Center Theatre in Orem, and I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the show. I was a little nervous about it because I saw the Broadway production, and really, nothing compares to Broadway. And this show didn't. But as far as local theatre goes, it was pretty good. The lead was sick, that that was frustrating to the ears, but the cast did a great job and it was fun to see.

I bought this beautiful bag on Saturday while shopping with Nikki in Park City at the Outlets. It was more than half off the original price. It's my Easter purse...I bought it instead of a dress, and I can't wait to pull it out on Sunday!!!

I bought this delightful piece a few weeks ago at Nordstrom Rack...it, too, was more than 50% off! It just makes me happy just looking at it!

90210. This show is ridiculously awesome! And we finally got a new episode last night after 6 weeks!!! Liz and I watched it at Nathan's...he was kind enough to sit through it so that we could watch it sans commercials and on a delightfully large screen.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 9

2011-02-27T21:43:00.002-05:00

Day 9 Challenge: Body Kindness

"Be kind to your body today. Take a nap, go for a walk, enroll in a yoga class, get a massage, take a bubble bath, get a pedicure or a manicure, or cook yourself a delicious meal."

I treated myself to an hour long relaxation massage. It was lovely. I had knots everywhere, including my arms, so it was wonderful to have someone pamper me with a lovely rubdown.

I felt so relaxed and energized at the same time as a result. I really wish that I could afford to do this more regularly. My body loves it!!!

Well, my friends, this brings us to the end of the challenge. There is a day 10, but it was to go to a special activity and I already went to it (not the original one, but the one my ward held). This has been a fun challenge for me. Thanks for indulging my desire to blog about it!

Recapturing Beauty: Day 8

2011-02-26T18:16:00.002-05:00

Day 8 Challenge: Self-talk

"Pay attention to your thoughts today. Ask yourself, How do my thoughts make me feel? Is what I'm thinking really true? Practice challenging your negative thoughts and replacing them with more truthful ones."

I'll be honest. I forgot to actively do this yesterday. But honestly, I don't know that I had any negative self-talk yesterday. I was in a pretty good place yesterday.

Also, after reading so much about Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, I have an understanding of irrational thoughts. I catch myself when I have negative thoughts about myself and my body...usually they are tied to my hormones. It does not necessarily change how I feel in the moment, but it does allow me to recognize where the thoughts are coming from and why they are there. I don't take REBT to the end and attempt to change the way I think because a) I'm not my own therapist, b) my thoughts have yet to reach a point where they seriously interfere with my daily life and interactions, and c) I recognize that when my hormones are in control, the rest of me really isn't.

I like to stay positive. I try my best to have a realistic yet optimistic view of things. It's not always easy, but it's my goal.

As far as self-talk yesterday, I was too busy and too tired to really have time to think much of anything outside of work (I hunted all of ProvOrem for bins for the Power Hour room, we had a dwarf goat visit yesterday, I had to evaluate two staff, I met with a girl who wants to plan an activity, I had a Justin Bieber party in my office via YouTube, and I had to deal with an ugly issue at the Club...I'll spare you the details on that one) and rehearsal (we open next Friday!!!).

Here's the thing that always wins out when I do experience negative self-talk: I am a beautiful daughter of God. Enough said.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 7

2011-02-25T00:21:00.002-05:00

Day 7 Challenge: Tune out the media.

"Tune out media--no TV, movies, magazines or internet surfing. Instead tune in to nature. Notice a sunset, gaze at the stars, sit by a stream and listen to the water."

Journal prompt: What did you tune into when you tuned out the media?

I did this on Tuesday of this week. Okay, so I didn't quite do this...instead of watching Hulu as I got ready for the day, I watched funny animal clips. I have a habit of watching TV every morning while I eat breakfast and get ready for work...I just don't have time to watch it any other time of the day. But I didn't watch any of my shows, which frequently showcase unrealistic images of people.

I did not find myself noticing the sunset, gazing at the stars, or sitting by a stream listening to the water. I did listen to music while I worked, go to lunch for a coworker's birthday, and go to rehearsal.

Honestly, I was exhausted on Tuesday. My main focus was to simply make it through the day. I didn't have time to focus on anything else...like sunsets and streams...I might have noticed the stars and made a wish...that's fairly typical of me. But that's about it.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 6

2011-02-20T20:33:00.002-05:00

Day 6 Challenge: No Fat Talk

"Refrain from talk about weight or shape of self and others. Be aware of how often you compare yourself to others, and evaluate how this makes you feel."

I did okay on this. There was some talk about ice cream and how I don't keep it in the house because I'll eat it all. And a discussion on how ice cream has the potential to make you fat.

However, we didn't call ourselves fat or talk about our shape...it was just our love of ice cream.

Going in to this, I thought it would be pretty easy to get through this day without fat talk. It's usually only once a month that I talk about feeling fat. But I realized today that even when I'm not specifically focused on my body, "fat talk" does still come up. It means that even though I like my body 26 (or so) days out of the month, my mind is still tuned into how I see myself physically.

In some ways, I think that is okay. It is my job to take care of my body...it's the only one I have and I do want to be healthy...but I think it's important to make sure that the focus is on health and not focused on judging my own body harshly.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 5

2011-02-19T21:58:00.002-05:00

So it's been a while since I've blogged about the Recapturing Beauty Challenge. That's because the day 5 challenge required some planning for me...my schedule has been super crazy. I was in Florida for a week for a class, I returned home to my mom and aunt visiting, work, school, and play rehearsals. Today was the first day that I was able to complete this particular challenge.

Day 5: Exercise for Fun
"Exercise for fun--choose a form of exercise that you enjoy, a form you wouldn't normally choose because it calls attention to your body."

There aren't really a lot of exercises that I wouldn't normally do because of my body. I love yoga, and I'm not embarrased to do it. I've even done Bikram (hot) yoga in my shorts and sports bra. I am not a good runner, but I don't mind doing it. I don't enjoy swimming, but I don't have a problem running around in a bathing suit.

There is one thing that I have wanted to try for a couple of years but never got around to until today.

Pole Dancing.

Those are not two words that typically come out of a good Mormon girl's mouth, but I have had a desire to do this since I lived in New York. Even though I was in better shape then than I am now, I was reluctant to take a class with a bunch of gorgeous New Yorkers. I wanted to rent out a private session with ten friends, but we never got around to scheduling it. I thought it would be easier to attempt pole dancing if I was among close friends.

This time around I reserved my pole without telling anyone, fully prepared to go by myself. I invited two of my friends to join me after I reserved my pole, and one did.

So Liz and I headed up to Sugar House today to Studio Soiree for our Intro to Pole class. We learned the basics with 9 other women. We learned how to walk around the pole, change directions, pirouette, the naughty bunny, the dirty frog, the fireman (twirling around the pole, knees together), the martini (twirling around the pole, one leg out straight), frisking, the pin-up girl, and how to crawl, among others.

Despite some pole burn and potential bruises, it was a really fun experience. I know that this challenge is supposed to be about beauty, and I'm supposed to reflect on the blessing of being able to move (which I am grateful for), but I have to say that this experience was empowering as well, and I think that ties into beauty.

Here's the thing...I'm not perfect and my body is not perfect. But it doesn't have to keep me from trying new things.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I decided to take this class is because of my play. My character is a bit of hussy (she kisses the son and the father). In the first act, when the other characters are talking about her, one of them says, "she uses sex as a shrimping net."

Being the Mormon virgin that I am, this is an area a little out of my expertise. One of my hopes in taking this class was to get in touch with my sexy side. I think that this is something that gets overlooked in the Mormon culture. There are reasons for it, I know. Sexy as the world sees it is connected to immodesty in dress and immorality in action (from the Mormon point of view). I've had this conversation with my New York Mormon friends. We came to the conclusion that it is possible to feel and be sexy without dressing immodestly.

I think that feeling sexy and feeling beautiful are two different things. I think it is possible to feel beautiful without feeling sexy, but I think that feeling sexy does help one to feel more beautiful. And I think that it something that us "good, Mormon" girls can experience, married or single.

I'm looking forward to my next class...I'm not sure when my next one will be. Rehearsals increase this week (we open March 4), and the classes are 30-45 minutes away (depending on the day...there is more than one studio). But I'm hoping to do it regularly!

Recapturing Beauty: Day 4

2011-02-05T12:42:00.002-05:00

I got a little behind on the Recapturing Beauty Challenge, but I'm okay with that! The past few days have been crazy! I'm currently in Jacksonville, Florida, for a weeklong residency class for my online graduate program (which is sooo much fun, btw!).

Yesterday, I had some time to focus on the challenge, but I wasn't able to blog about it until today.

The Day 4 Challenge was to Get Ready on the Inside.

The prompt: How much time do you spend getting ready each day? Today, use that same amount of time to get ready on the inside. Meditate, write in your journal, or perform an act of service.

I normally spend about an hour getting ready each day (I like to take looonnnggg showers!). Yesterday, I broke my getting ready time up, but it still amounted to about the same...I showered and sort of dried my hair at my apartment, and I fixed my hair and did my makeup in the airport bathroom. I chose to spend my time in meditation, which was more like reflection really. Hopefully that still counts!

I had a lot of time to think yesterday as I flew across the country. Without getting too specific, I found myself thinking about a situation that I could potentially get myself into...it's not a bad situation, and there is no guarantee that I would even end up there...cryptic, I know. If I chose to go in this direction (again, not necessarily a bad one), it would mean being faced with a lot of new challenges. The thought of these challenges initially made me cringe. I've already been faced with a lot of stuff, and I'm not eager to sign up for more (although I'll take it as it comes should the Lord send me more...but choosing to take on a challenge is a bit much). But as I thought about, I realized that I am more than equipped to take on any challenge, whether I chose the challenge or the Lord chooses to send me the challenge. I've been put in circumstances that allow me to handle pretty much anything. And I'm not just referring to the cancer or to losing 5 people in one year.

I've grown up in such a way that "challenge" is just a part of life. Think about it: My parents divorced when I was young...it's all I've known. I was raised by a single mother who went back to school. My mom remarried and I became a part of a blended family (one that actually works well, although it took us a while to get there). My parents are raising my adopted brother, who was a meth baby and has his own unique set of challenges...we're awaiting an Autism diagnosis. I feel equipped to handle: family members with Alzheimer's and other health challenges, Down Syndrome, Autism, ADD/ADHD, PTSD, attachment issues, depression, burnout, death and grief.

As I reflected on my challenges and the challenges of my family, I realized that the Lord has prepared me to handle ANYTHING. Yes, there may be new challenges ahead, challenges that fall into uncharted territories, but I think I've navigated other challenges pretty well, so I can handle any challenge the Lord sends me or any challenge that I willingly take on.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with beauty.

I realized that I really strong. And special. Because of my unique challenges. And that is very EMPOWERING.

When I look at myself that way and I see my strengths as the Lord does, it makes it really hard not to think highly of myself...not in a prideful way, but in a way that makes me feel beautiful.

I flew all day yesterday. Three different flights. Usually, at the end of a long day of flying I feel gross: ugly, tired, and bloated. Yesterday, I felt great. I felt beautiful, inside and out. I had the Spirit. I felt like I could do anything, and that, my friends, is a beautiful feeling.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 3

2011-02-02T00:54:00.005-05:00

Today's challenge: Write ten things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your appearance and ten things that you like about your appearance.

10 Things I Like About Me:

My ability to play. Really. It's a gift.
That I'm smart.
That I am good at my job.
That I am a good listener.
That I'm a great teacher.
That I can speak in public and do it well.
That I am creative.
That I can design quilts.
That I'm a good reader...and have read LOTS of books.
That people feel capable trusting me with their secrets, their thoughts, and their stories.

10 Things I Like About My Appearance

My eyes. They're big. And expressive.
My nose. It's really rather cute.
My smile. It's awesome. One of my old ladies from the nursing home told me I could be an advertisement for a dentist's office.
My legs...I take after my great-grandma and her movie star legs.
My uneven eye bags...I know it's silly, but they give me character.
My laugh lines.
I'm growing to like my scars...they represent what I've gone through.
My teeth...they are fairly straight after several long years of braces...I stopped wearing my retainer ages ago, though, which is why they are only fairly straight. And they're all mine...I learned in the nursing home that that is very important.
The color of my hair...granted it's had some help, but it's my natural color and I love it.
My feet. They're odd, don't get me wrong, but I've grown accustomed to them...when I line my feet up, my toes don't point forward...they point away from each other.

The rest of the prompt for today's challenge was to reflect on which list was more difficult to write. For me, both of them took about the same amount of time. I like things about myself, but a) it's hard to cement them in words and b)I had to get a little creative...but maybe that's the point. I honestly do like myself. I have for a while. There are things I don't like...but overall, I do like myself. I'm pretty cool, if I do say so myself. And I'm pretty photogenic. I know this. I like who I am as a person, and for the most part, I like my appearance. I'm far from unfortunate looking, and I'm pretty nice on the inside, too. Still, I'm human!

What do you like about yourself? Your appearance?

Recapturing Beauty: Day 2

2011-01-31T10:10:00.002-05:00

"Study what beauty is from a gospel perspective. Start by reading "True Beauty" by Lynn G. Roberts and 1 Samuel 16:7 and 1 Corinthians 3:16."

I read the article "True Beauty" and I'd like to share a quote from it:

"'Happiness is the most attractive accessory a woman can have.' I came across this one-line sermon in an old magazine article. I thought is was profound. If happiness is the most attractive accesory a young woman can have, then a smile would have to be the most charming cosmetic. Make-up, if applied tastefully and in moderation, can enhance appearance. But no amount of eye-shadow, lipstick, or mascara could possible compete with the natural attractiveness of a genuine smile. It brightens the room. It cheers others. It communicates, friendship, love, and optimism so much more than any cosmetic ever could. It puts people at ease and is welcoming. Truly in the world of glamour, there is no close second to a genuine smile."

According to 1 Samuel 16: 7, the Lord looks on the heart of a person, not on their outward appearance. 1 Corinthians reminds us that our bodies are temples of God and that the Spirit of God dwells within us.

The Lord sees all of us as beautiful. And we become even more beautiful as we focus on the person we are, not on what we look like. It's times like these in which I am reminded that I shouldn't care about what the world says about me, looks or otherwise. The opinions that really matter are mine, the Lord's, and those who truly know me and know my heart.

It's easy to forget that sometimes. It's easy to let the world's opinions overshadow more important ones. Perhaps that is because the opinions of the world are more in my face.

On Saturday, at my Relief Society activity on Recapturing Beauty, we read Max Lucado's "You Are Special." It was about these people made of wood who would go around giving stars to the beautiful and talented ones and gray dots to the others. But there was one girl, Lucia, who didn't have any stickers. People tried to give her stars, but they fell off. People tried to give her gray dots, but those fell off as well. One of the others, who was covered in gray dots, asked her how she kept them from sticking. She told him she went to visit the wood carver every day and that he should, too. So he does. And the wood carver knows who he is, which surprises the boy. But the carver knows him because he created him, and he thinks the boy is beautiful. He tells the boy that the reason Lucia's stickers fall off is because she cares more about what the carver thinks than what the others think. The boy leaves feeling special and one of his dots falls off.

It is easier to listen to the world's definition of beauty and what makes you special because they are there...we don't have to go the world, it comes to us. But the Lord's opinion is the one that truly matters. And it takes an effort, a daily effort...maybe more at first...in order to not only get His opinion, but to really take it to heart. In the story, they had to visit the wood carver EVERY day. It is the same with us. If we want to see ourselves as the Lord sees us, we have to cultivate that relationship with Him, and we have to open our heart to take in the things He wants us to know.

He knows us. He loves us. Even in our imperfections.

We can learn to see ourselves as the Lord does: as His beautiful children. And we can learn to see others as He sees them. As we learn to do these things, we will RADIATE true beauty.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 1

2011-01-30T16:20:00.004-05:00

This past week, my Relief Society decided to this activity on Recapturing Beauty. It was a campaign that was held at BYU this past fall, and one of the ladies who helped run it is in my ward. Due to a glitch (my name was never added to the RS mailing list), I didn't get the email (and thus all the info) until a few days after our women started it. I finally had a chance to look at all of the stuff yesterday before heading to the official activity. I decided that I wanted to start the 10-day challenge today, and that I wanted to blog about my experience with the challenge instead of privately journaling it.

The idea behind the challenge is that as women we have been told what beauty is and that we constantly don't measure up to its standards. This is a lie. All women have the potential to be beautiful, but we have to work at it: it's on the inside, and in order to be beautiful, we have to believe that we are.

The first challenge is to write for at least ten minutes to express your gratitude for all the things your body allows you to do. Additionally, you are not allowed to weigh yourself for the 10 days of the challenge.

Why I am grateful for my body...
I feel like lately I talk about my cancer too much...perhaps that is because I am surrounded by people who didn't know the story...but when I think about my body I am constantly grateful that I have one to do things with. It could have been much worse. That said, I still struggle. Thus, the challenge.

My body allows me to move. I can sit up on my own. I can dress myself, bathe myself, comb my hair, put on makeup, type, turn pages, jump, run, walk, dance, see, taste, smell, touch, feel. I can do yoga. My body gives me freedom...freedom to go places and do things. Freedom to live my life. My body alerts me when I am tired...it lets me know when I need to rest. It tells me when I've taken on too much. It reminds me to slow down.

My body houses my spirit, which allows me to be here. It houses my organs (although I'm missing a few things...tonsils, my appendix, and that pesky left ovary). It contains my eyes, which allow me to see (with some help, of course...bad eyesight runs in the family). My body contains vocal cords which allow me to speak. My body contains tear ducts which allow me to express my tears when I need to. My body continues to do the things it needs to in order for me to someday have children. My body houses my brain which still functions, thus allowing me to use my body...and to think...and to know who people are...my great-great-aunt is currently losing the battle to Alzheimer's (as did my Papa before her) and her body does not work the way it should...mine still does.

My body grows hair. Granted, I shave my legs, and shape my eyebrows, but I have hair on my head and I have eyelashes. Those have protective values.

My body allows me to feel pain so that I can understand the joy of not having any....my body allows me to feel cold so that I can enjoy warmth. My body allows me to move in a range of motions I will never fully comprehend until I lose the ability to move in that way someday.

My body has flaws...it has scars...but those flaws and scars are evidence that my body IS. They show the struggles that my body has faced...they are evidence of what I have faced...they show my strength.

Why are you grateful for your body?

All It Takes is A Riddle...

2011-01-15T19:56:00.002-05:00

The other day, I was driving two kids to the club after their afterschool program finished. Along the way, one of the kids, a 10 year old girl, asked me if I was married.

I responded with a "no."

Girl: "Why not?"
Me: "Nobody's asked me."

I thought this would stop the conversation, but no.

Girl: "Why aren't you married?"
Me: "I haven't found anyone I like enough or who likes me enough to be married."

She thinks about this for a moment, and then: "You should have a riddle, and the first guy who answers it gets to marry you!"

Now why didn't I think of this? Or better yet, why didn't I think of pricking my finger on a cursed spindle so I would fall into a deep sleep until my true love (a handsome prince, by the way) kisses me? Or bite a poisoned apply and fall into a deep sleep until my true love (a handsome prince, by the way) kisses me? Or leave my shoe behind at a ball so a guy (a handsome prince, by the way) comes looking for the foot that fits the shoe? Or get cursed into dancing every night with non-existent 11 sisters until someone (this time, it's not a handsome prince but a handsome soldier) comes and figures out where we are going and why our dancing slippers are worn out?

If only I had the wisdom of a ten year old. Then I would have been married a long time ago!

Out with the Old, In with the New

2011-01-03T12:55:00.004-05:00

Ahh, the New Year. Time to evaluate my goals from last year and to make new goals for this year.

Last year, I made goals to:
1. Relearn French--I attempted this but it did not happen. Despite buying a introductory program, I am still not fluent. I really want to take a class, but they are hard to find outside of a university, and the university classes are expensive. C'est la vie!

2. Learn how to play tennis--I did do this! I'm not very good, but I did learn the basics. Now, I just need to find a tennis partner to practice with...and wait until the snow clears.

3. Grow out my hair--this goal is still in progress. It's growing, but it's taking FOREVER!!! You can see in my last post about how long it is. It hasn't really grown much since Thanksgiving.

4. Write a book--Bleh. I had every intention, but not the follow through.

5. Write emails/letters at least once a month to keep in touch with friends--Yeah, this didn't happen so much. I tried. And I did reconnect with some old friends, but I wasn't as consisten as I'd hoped to be.

6. Visit Elizabeth in San Diego--She moved. To Provo. As did I. So I count this one as kind of happening. The goal was to visit her, not to go to San Diego.

7. Buy a bike. And ride it--This totally happened!!!! I'm hoping to break it out when the weather gets nicer...I'm only 2 miles from work.

8. Get settled--I feel like I accomplished this. I moved to Utah, got a new job, and found an apartment. I really think that Utah is my last big move, although I don't know that I'll stay in Provo, nor do I plan on being in this apartment forever!

9. Learn how to sew--Alas, this did not occur. I am having a hard time finding a class out here!

10. Do all my school work Monday through Friday, no weekends--This also did not happen. I was fine until I moved to Utah. Between two grad classes and working 30+ hours a week, I had to use my weekends, although I was pretty good about not using Sundays.

Now, for 2011!!!
My biggest goal is to become more disciplined. I think that this will allow me to do a lot of the things I have been wanting to do.

Under this umbrella goal falls smaller goals: growing out my hair, running a half-marathon, writing that book, keeping my school work confined to the week, eating better, saving money, and getting my food storage/emergency reserve together.

My other big goal is to make this year the best year of my life thus far. I'm turning 30 in November, and I'm welcoming it! I want my countdown to 30 to be good. I want to take more risks. I want to fall in love. I want to run that half-marathon. I want to laugh more, live more, help more. Other than the half-marathon, I don't really have a plan. And maybe that's the point. Maybe I need to live more in the moment. I'm not sure. I just know that I want this year to be FANTASTIC!!!

You Only Turn 29 Once...Promise

2010-12-03T21:57:00.007-05:00

Of course, it doesn't mean you can't celebrate more than that! This year, I had two birthday celebrations. The first took place in Utah. Elizabeth, Nikki, Elizabeth's friend Ashley, and I moseyed on out to Lehi to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.

They have a unique way of having you celebrate.

After dinner, we headed over to the IMAX theater at Thanksgiving Point to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (HPDHP1). It was fantastic! We reserved seats so we didn't have to get there super early. I loved the movie (I saw again a week later).

Then, the night before my before my birthday, I headed up to SLC to catch a red-eye. Elizabeth got her friend Geoff to drive us up there because we were expecting a blizzard...it never really came. I managed to get out, albeit delayed, and when I woke up on the plane on my birthday, I was in New York City!

I rode the subway into Manhattan and to my old apartment. It took an hour and a half, but I can proudly say I have now used public transportation to get me to an from the airport for a flight (I did take the bus to LaGuardia once to rent a car)! I showered and headed back out into the City. I bought a couple of presents, ate lunch, and then headed to see a little show I like to call:

It was pretty good. The music was okay (I only loved a few songs), but the script was funny (thank you Neil Simon!). And this guy was Ha-larious!

Sean Hayes did an amazing job. And the poor guy was sick. You could hear it in his voice, but he was still fantastic.

The highlight, of course, was this woman:

Yes, that is Miss Kristin Chenoweth. I saw her perform live. She was so amazing. I still cannot believe that I got to see her sing live. I can die happy now.

Both of them graciously signed autographs after the show (but no photos with anyone...boo).

After the show, I got threaded (thank you, New York!!!) and headed down to Trailer Park Lounge to meet Nikki, Laura, and Alexia. Sadly, we forgot to take pictures! But it was a lovely dinner and they were Trailer Park virgins, so that was fun. I think they enjoyed it!

Then we headed back to the apartment, and Nesha came over. We watched First Daughter (thanks to some conversation about Katie Holmes and Suri), and then Nesha and I stayed up talking until 2:30.

Which led to me sleeping in until 12:30 on Thanksgiving day. I had a good excuse, though. I hadn't slept much thanks to my red-eye AND a late night of talking. I managed to get ready in time for Thanksgiving dinner though, which was very nice. There was a good group of people there, and I got to see my friend Marcus, which was nice.

Afterward, a group of us went to see Unstoppable with Denzel Washington and Chris Pine (adorable!), and it was throroughly exciting. There's nothing like an unmanned speeding train to stir up some drama!

I was crazy enough to get up the next day in order to do some Black Friday shopping a la H&M. I got there just after six and picked up a few things (some of which I took back). I walked around Macey's a bit, before heading to buy a coat and some boots at a couple of other stores. Then I headed back to the apartment for some food and a nap.

Afterward, I headed down to Canal to buy some purses, but it was not an easy task. Good bags were hard to come by. I, however, managed to find some and knocked out some Christmas shopping in the process.

I spent the rest of my trip vegging with Laura. We watched a movie that night, and she braved Times Square with me Saturday morning for some last minute gift shopping...I wasn't up to Canal again and Times Square sells some of the same stuff. Then we grabbed lunch at Jimbos across the street from the apartment, ate lunch, and napped before I left for my flight, which was uneventful.

Elizabeth picked me up from the airport at midnight and we got home about one. I slept in the next day...my clock was so out of whack thanks to the lack of sleep I got and the time changes. I feel like I'm still recovering!

All in all, it was a lovely trip and a lovely birthday!

A love letter to jetBlue

2010-11-27T19:45:00.003-05:00

jetBlue, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

1. You let me carry on my 50lbs and under bag for FREE!
2. You give me earplugs and a sleepmask for FREE!
3. You give me wi-fi at the airport for FREE!
4. You give me good snacks for FREE!
5. You fly from Salt Lake City to New York City overnight so I can get more out of my trip!
6. You have plenty of outlets for me to charge my electronics!
7. You have DirectTV for FREE!
8. You are CHEAP!

I love you jetBlue!

The Curious Case of the Bananas in the Freezer

2010-11-18T13:23:00.003-05:00

I love bananas. I like to eat one everyday if possible, however, now that I am on my own I sometimes don't eat my bananas fast enough. Thus, they get very ripe. To solve this problem, I freeze them. I find that frozen bananas make the BEST banana bread.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I encountered this problem, and doing what I always do, I placed three ripe bananas in the freezer to save them for my Christmas baking. Yesterday, I went to add three more bananas to my stockpile and lo and behold the bananas were not there!

Gasp!

Where had my bananas gone? I searched the freezer to no avail. It is rather hard to hide three frozen bananas.

I called out to my roommate to see if she knew where they went, but she had no idea.

Thus, I have come to the conclusion that my other roommate threw them out. It's the only thing that makes sense.

That is, unless there are banana eating fairies afoot. Alas, I think not.

Sadly, I placed my remaining bananas in the spot of their forefathers and left them there to freeze alone.

As I am trying not to let this situation bother me (hence this post, in my attempt to laugh at the situation...they are only bananas, you see), I have decided not to confront said roommate about the missing bananas. Instead, I have decided to endeavor upon a passive-aggressive approach.

Which may or may not include placing a note on the freezer door kindly asking my roommates not to throw away my frozen bananas as they were placed in the freezer for a reason. And it may or may not include placing the neatly organized magnets (mostly mine) haphazardly on the fridge just to annoy people.

So maybe I was passive aggressive and maybe she called me out on it. Regardless, the Curious Case of the Bananas in the Freezer has been wrapped up. And maybe the magnets have been put back in proper order. And maybe I do realize that I am crazy and need to work on communication. But if I weren't crazy and passive-aggressive, this post would not have been nearly as fun.

Hanging in there...

2010-11-10T23:49:00.004-05:00

I'm alive. It feels like so long since I last posted, and honestly, there is not that much to post about.

Work was crazy there for a bit (who am I kidding? It still is)--last week was rough...this week has been better. This week marks the fifth week of my school term, which means it's half way over. Cuhrazy.

I'm almost settled into my apartment. I spent the weekend getting organized. I still need to hang some pictures, take some stuff down to the garage, and buy a few more organization things. I'll post pictures when it's done.

I did get to go to lunch with my friend Amy on Saturday though. We met in American Fork at Cafe Rio (my first time there!) and got to see each other for the first time in 5 years! She had her two youngest with her (the other two were with their dad at the BYU football game). It was so nice to see her again, and I'm so glad that she lives so close and we can see each other more regularly. We were room-roommates back in the day.

I've been so overwhelmed that on Sunday I decided I needed to create a schedule to give my days some structure. I've managed to work in scriptures, workouts, work, school, church social stuff (FHE, Institute), and some television into my week. Of course, following the schedule is a different story. I did fairly okay on Monday and Tuesday, except for the studying part, which left me scrambling to make up for it today. I was so tired this morning that I didn't work out and instead Hulu-ed some tv shows and studied before heading to work. But I've managed to get caught up somewhat (minus today's workout--but hey, I need two rest days a week, right?).

I am so ready for Thanksgiving break. Three days off, plus I turn 29 on the 24th!

An Apostle and Some Memories

2010-10-31T23:00:00.004-04:00

I had the wonderful opportunity to hear from Elder L. Tom Perry today (He's one of the Apostles, for those of you who don't know)! He came to our Stake Conference today to speak, as did Merrill J. Bateman, the current Provo Temple Pres. (until midnight tonight), our Stake Pres., and the Mission Pres. It was a really great session. All of the talks were really good, and the Spirit was really strong. It just makes me so grateful for the unique opportunities that come from living in Provo.

Conference was held in the De Jong Concert Hall on the BYU campus, and it was the first time I'd been in the Harris Fine Arts Center (H-FAC) since I graduated five years ago. It was a little emotional for me. I practically lived in the H-FAC for five years. I napped under the stairs by the Nelke and studied on the slab on a regular basis. It was just so nice to be back in MY building. I can't wait to go see plays there again! Part of me wishes I could just take a class there...or better yet, teach one! Maybe one day....

A couple of old friends stopped by tonight. It was the first time I'd seen them in six or seven years, I think. It was nice to hang out and catch up....different though. We all used to hang out in a group of like six or seven, sometimes eight, and it was just the three of us tonight. And we're all older and it's just been a long time. But it was nice.

Of course, it also reminds me that there are so many people I have yet to reconnect with since moving back to Utah. Things have just been so crazy that I haven't had time. I'm hoping that will change in the next week or so though. We'll see. I'm slowly feeling more settled in my job, my apartment, and with school, which helps.

The Honeymoon's Over

2010-10-18T23:54:00.003-04:00

This past week has been crazy stressful. The beginning of school mixed with the beginning of a new job left me with zero time and a head cold, which I proceeded to deal with over the weekend by locking myself in my room, taking dayquil/nyquil, and drinking echinacea tea.

Sunday found me rested and bored, but still stressed as I anticipated this week. One of my classes requires that our discussion papers be posted Monday night, which is a first. Usually it's Wednesday nights. And since I made a goal not to do schoolwork on Sundays, that left today which was stressful (I also had a goal not to do schoolwork on Saturdays, but since I was sick, I gave that one up this weekend).

In addition to my schoolwork I have real work. My boss made it very clear to me (about four times, just in case I didn't get it the first time) that I needed to fix a certain problem immediately...a problem that isn't necessarily my fault, but it's definitely my responsibility to fix. Thus, it seems that one week and two days into my job, it is already on the line. On top of that, I am down one staffer.

Stressful.

It will all work out, one way or another. I have faith. But I still want to cry. Faith cancels out fear, not tears.

Here at Last, Here at Last! Thank God Almighty, I am Here at Last!

2010-10-06T15:24:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm here! I've actually been in Provo since Sunday night. We didn't get on the road until Friday, so the parentals didn't get to attend Conference live. In fact, despite efforts to watch/listen to Conference on the road, we only got to see the last session on Sunday, but it was a good one!

I have moved into a lovely condo in South Provo, and I absolutely love it! Elizabeth lives across the parking lot, and it is so nice to have one of my best friends (for 10 1/2 yrs) living so close! My roommates are really nice, and I look forward to getting to know them better.

I had my job interview on Monday for the Boys and Girls Club. On Tuesday, they called me back and offered me the job! I am so excited and nervous. This was definitely why I needed to be here by Conference weekend. Monday was the last day of interviews. I went in for orientation today, and I start shadowing my boss tomorrow to get a feel for the position (he's had my job in the past).

I have to say, the Lord has had a HUGE hand in my life. He prompted me to move here, by Conference weekend, and I was able to find a job (after looking and applying for the past year) immediately. I'm not even unpacked but I am gainfully employed (pending my background check...not too worried). And my apartment is two miles from work, which equals a five minute drive (with traffic...four without). In nice weather, I could walk or ride my bike if I wanted to (of course, I would have to return home via a huge hill...I live at the base of the mountains!).

I am so, so, so grateful for prayer and revelation. I am so grateful for the opportunity to move forward with my life, to use my skills, talents, and training in my work, and to have the opportunity to grow professionally and personally. It's not going to be easy. I'm working 30 hours a week, in charge of the facility, and going to school full time. But I don't doubt that I can do it, and anything else I need to, as long as I have the Lord's help! That said, this job is going to be a huge responsibility, so please keep me in your prayers!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I'm Leaving Tomorrow, It's Only a Day Away!

2010-09-29T10:37:00.003-04:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day: MOVING DAY. That is, if all goes well. Dad has been swamped with work...apparently a lot of cars are breaking down and he is the only person in the world who can fix them or get them or deliver them, etc. And poor Mimi woke up this morning to find out that her fuel pump needs to be replaced and in this case Dad is the only one who can take care of it. But, I'm crossing my fingers and saying a lot of prayers that tomorrow we will begin the two day journey to Provo. Of course, it may be tomorrow afternoon...we're not known for on-time departures!

This week has been crazy as I've tried to pack and spend time with the fam. Monday was devoted to a quick errand run and then I spent the entire day with my fam. I took Nana, Caleb, Bailey, Bryan, and Kristen to see Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole. It was quite lovely! Afterward, we drove up to Mayflower to visit with my cousin Taylor. I wanted to see him before I leave, and I needed to trace his hands for a special Christmas project I'm working on for Nana (shhh! Don't tell her! It's a quilt with all of the grandkids' hand prints!!! So excited to make it!).

Yesterday was spent waiting for my textbooks to be delivered by UPS. So didn't happen and I am not happy with them! I waited all day. They said they attempted to deliver my package at 5:29 pm yesterday...but they LIED! I was home at that time, the gate was open so there was no confusion as to whether we were home, AND they didn't leave a SLIP! I think the driver just wanted to go home early so he lied. But, alas, I have no proof.

Today I have to finish the last minute packing and I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend. All of my kitchen stuff has been sorted and packed. My books are packed, my movies and cds have been relocated from their cases to cloth zippered cases (each holding 240 discs). Now I am doing last minute laundry, including my bedding. Then I need to pack up my desk, my clothes, and my pictures.

I'm super excited to move into my new place. For a period of about two days, I thought I was moving into The Branbury. It's BYU approved (bleh), but it's cheap. Everything else was falling through. And then, two of my Utah friends, Grant and Brody, informed me that The Branbury was full of 17 year old hair students. Ick. Elizabeth confirmed this for me. But LUCKILY, that same day, I received an email about a condo I had originally wanted in Elizabeth's ward. The girl who they had given it to fell through...it was the 4th or 5th person who had fallen through. The space was now available for ME! Yay! So, now I will be residing in a lovely condo in Canyon Meadow with two girls who are much closer in age to me, in a ward where the average age is about 28, and across the street from Elizabeth!!! I can't wait!

I have put in applications for a few jobs out there. I received more information about one position, but I don't think I want to finish the interview/application process. They are hiring for a 4-11pm shift in Draper, and Saturdays are required for a year. No fun. I wouldn't have a chance to be social, which is one of the reasons I am moving. I NEED a life. I would miss FHE, I would miss parties, and I wouldn't get home until almost midnight. Sadly, the one facility that I REALLY want to work at is no longer hiring for any positions that I am eligible for. I keep hoping that someone will quit or get fired...I'm not so nice, I guess. Oh well, something will come through!

Alright...I'm off to be more productive!

I'm Packing My Bags...

2010-09-20T11:36:00.002-04:00

...and I am moving to Provo. I know, I know. What about Portland, you're asking? It was just a month or so ago that you were dead set on going there.

Well, you see, I knew I wasn't going to get to Portland anytime soon, and I wasn't finding a job here, both of which were very frustrating. So, for Fast Sunday (for those of you non-Mo's, we fast on the first Sunday of every month), I fasted that I would know what the Lord wanted me to do. On that Sunday morning, as I was getting ready for Church, I kept thinking about how I really wanted to go back to Utah for a visit, but a visit just wasn't feasible. Still, I kept thinking that I'd really love to go out for Conference. And then I thought that it's too bad I can't just move there...that was more feasible than visiting (in terms of justifying spending the money to go out). Why can't I move out there? I thought. I can work on my school stuff anywhere, rent is cheap, I can save money there just as easily as here (although not as much) and I'd have more fun doing it. The more I thought about it the more it made sense. I pondered the subject throughout church and prayed about it. Feeling good about the decision, I cautiously broached the subject with my parents, who readily agreed.

I told them I felt like I should move to Provo, as opposed to Salt Lake City, which I've had my eye on. I don't know why Provo, but I feel like it's where I need to be. And I felt like I needed to be there by Conference weekend.

So, we (The parents, Caleb, and me....Dad wouldn't let me just get in the car and go. He insisted on taking me out and getting me settled) are heading out September 30 and will get there on October 1. On October 2, my parents will attend the afternoon session of Conference while I watch Caleb, and then Dad will go to the Priesthood session that night. It's their first time to attend Conference at the Conference Center, and I think they are very excited.

As for me, at this moment I have absolutely no idea where I will be living or where I will be working. I've been perusing Craigslist for apartment openings, but it's been a challenge. Elizabeth has graciously offered to look at places for me (and scope out the potential roomies). I'm trying to find an older ward in a non-BYU approved complex with LDS roommates. And I've got my eye on a couple of places to apply for a job.

Mostly, I am just trusting in the Lord to guide me along the way. People have asked my why I'm moving there, and I can honestly say I don't know. Other than that is where the Lord seems to want me for the time being. I'm excited about the move, but anxious, too, because I like to have all my ducks in a row....then again, I moved to New York City with my ducks all scattered and it worked out quite well.

I've been apprehensive about telling people simply because not everything is worked out, but since I'm leaving next week, I thought it was about time to really put it out there. I don't know how long I'll be there. I would still love to move to Portland in the fall, but it's the least of my worries at the moment. I'm taking it a day at a time and trusting that the Lord will put me where I need to be and where I'm needed. Everything else will work out as it should.

Save the Date...

2010-09-18T17:50:00.002-04:00

I had a fantastic time nannying last week! We had a lot of fun! The kids were so much fun to be around. We played Apples to Apples, I designed quilts for them (and a new quilt for me to make as a gift for a friend), and we even did a little yoga. I did just fine food wise. They are not actually vegan because they do have cheese occasionally.

The oldest kid, who has special needs, showered me with adoration throughout the week. He's determined that we're going to get married: "I prayed to Heavenly Father this morning that we could get married. He hasn't answered yet."

At the beginning of the week, when he first began proposing, I jokingly told him I was engaged. To John...John Juan. It became the joke of the week. The girls made me a wedding announcement, and the 5 year old boy ran around all week yelling, "You're marrying John Juan!" It was rather fun.

So save the date...and let me know if you find John Juan...we're supposed to be getting married!

To Meat or not to Meat...That is the Question

2010-09-09T21:00:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I begin a week of nannying for a family of seven. The parents are off to Paris for a conference or lecture or something similar, and I have been asked to stay with the kids. They range in age from 19 to 5...the 19 year old has some special needs, which is one of the main reasons for me being there. All of the kids are homeschooled, so we'll all be at home the entire time.

I'm really looking forward to it. I met the kids a couple of weeks ago, and I really think that we are going to have a lot of fun. They have several animals, and they spin their own fibers from their goats and Angorra rabbits. And they're vegan. I'm a little excited about that, but mostly scared.

I am a picky eater. I always have been. In the past ten years, I've gotten better. I began eating red meat, I started eating salad, I began drinking milk, I started eating fruit and vegetables, I gave up red meat, I stopped drinking milk and started drinking soy milk.

I did the lemonade cleanse, so I know that I can go without meat, dairy, and eggs for a week...but it will still be a challenge.

It's funny that the thing I'm nervous about is food and not being responsible for 7 kids!

The Job Hunt

2010-08-17T12:28:00.002-04:00

I had my first job interview in almost a year (my last one was with Scholastic in New York right before I left). It's for an after-school program coordinator position at a homeless shelter. It's only part time and it doesn't pay much, but it would allow me to work with people, and it's a new population for me.

I've applied to several other places, and I am still hoping to hear back from them, simply because they are full-time positions that come with a salary (albeit a small one), and I could save more money that way.

Portland in January will most likely not happen. I've pretty much accepted that it will be either next Summer or next Fall, simply because I need to save quite a bit of money before I move. I want to be able to support myself fully for a couple of months while looking for a job there and be able to pay for the certificate program in full, if possible.

We'll see what happens!

Nary a Kitten Left

2010-08-16T21:24:00.002-04:00

While I posted about Pippa's death a couple of weeks ago, I didn't mention that her sister, Sukie, died a couple of days later. And this morning, Frankie, the only remaining kitten died as well. Mimi thought the problem may have been that Rosie stopped producing milk so she has been bottle feeding Frankie for about a week and a half. Unfortunately, it didn't help. She thinks there may have been heart problems. Sad as it is, it makes sense. Rosie was under a year old when she had the kittens (it was an accidental pregnancy), and birth defects are extremely common.

No kitten for me.

Can I Please Be Canadian?

2010-08-14T23:05:00.002-04:00

It is too hot.

Right now, according to weatherchannel.com, it's 89 degrees outside...but it feels like 102 degrees. Imagine what is was like earlier today when it actually was 100+ degrees outside.

If you're looking for Hades, look no further. It's here. It's covering most of the South, but there's definitely an entrance here in Little Rock.

And we don't have central AC.

I think I should summer in Alaska. Or better, yet, Prince Edward's Island. I should be Canadian in the summer. Southerners should get dual citizenship based on extreme weather conditions. And northerners should get dual citizenship to Mexico.

I'm just sayin'.

Rose City

2010-08-03T14:11:00.004-04:00

One of the things I've been focusing on this year, especially because I am living at home again, is what to do next.

I've thought of a couple of different options, and at times, I was sure that was what was going to happen when the time was right:

I was moving to Salt Lake City.

I was going to change careers and become a High School English teacher, which meant starting a program this Fall and staying in Little Rock for at least another year.

I've currently scratched those two options off of the list and made a decision that I feel really good about...at least, good enough to blog about it.

I have decided that I want to move to Portland, Oregon.

I've considered Portland before...once before I moved to New York, and once while I was in New York figuring out what to do next.

It's an artsy city, and it's beautiful. It is one of the best biking cities in the nation (and the world, from my understanding), it's a healthy city, and it has a decent LDS population. Additionally, Portland is known for its roses. Further pluses: Oregon has no sales tax and you can't pump your own gas (I hate pumping gas).

Plus, it has an Eating Disorders Certificate program that I've had my eye on for a while. I can easily complete this program while working on Master's in Mental Health Counseling, and hopefully I can do at least one of my internships with this population.

As always, I want this now, and I feel good about it now, but I recognize that things could change. That's just how my life has been.

My plan at the moment is to move around the first of the year. I need to save some money, get a car, and I have a drama therapy conference and a colloquium for school in Chicago in November (at the same time..yay me). If I move before then, I couldn't afford to go to Chicago, and I have to go to Chicago. Then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas, so there is no point in going until January, assuming all works out the way I plan.

I am just so ready for a change. I know that being here in Little Rock has been what I needed to do. I needed to be here, for me and for my family. I have had so many wonderful times with them, and I know that I have been a help to them. But it is so hard for me to be here. I have no life. Not like I did. I kind of have friends, lovely women, but it's not the same. Most of the time it just feels like we're acquaintances (I fully recognize my own role in that)...I just struggle with my singledom in a family ward. Though I am surrounded by wonderful, lovely people, who are smart and fun and all around great women, I struggle with feeling like I belong here. I feel small here. I feel alone. I miss having friends who are a) in the same place as me or b) know me so well that it doesn't matter that we are in completely different places. I miss walking everywhere. I miss silly things like really good stores and Trader Joes. I miss being in a singles' ward. These past ten months have been a constant struggle to stay positive and happy and healthy (I completely feel like I am failing on this last one) while being a place that has something I love (my family) but doesn't quite have enough for me.

I really wish that a miracle would occur and I could leave sooner than I plan, get my own place there (so I can take Oliver with me...and maybe one of Mimi's other kittens, maybe a Maude or a Jasper....)and start the Eating Disorders Certificate program this fall. But despite being a dreamer, I am realistic!

Pippa

2010-08-01T20:08:00.005-04:00

Today was a really sad day.

Bailey walked into church today by herself. When I asked where everyone else was, she told me that Pippa was dying.

Pippa's one of the kittens that Mimi's cat had a couple of weeks ago. I was going to bring her home in four to six more weeks. I named her Pippa because it's British, and it fits in with Oliver and Ella.

Caleb and I left after sacrament to go out to Mimi's. Kristen met us at the door with her teddy bear and crocodile tears running down her face. "Pippa's dying," she said through tears.

I hurried up the stairs to Mimi's room, where she was holding Pippa. My poor, two and a half week old kitten was stuggling to breathe.

Mimi let me and Caleb hold her, and then I held her for the last hour of her life. She had a few seizures while I was there, and then she lay still, breathing very shallow for about half an hour. Then she started to jerk, so I laid her down on the bed. After about five gasps she stopped moving and was gone.

Kristen brought in a square tin with a bear on it that I gave her a few weeks ago. Inside was some soft purple material. We put Pippa inside to await her burial.

It may seem silly to some for us to be so concerned about the death of a small kitten, but that's just how we are. It was a sad day, a tragic day for us.

It seemed to come on suddenly, but in reality, it's probably been coming for a while, possibly since birth. Pippa was the first to be born, but there were complications. It was Rosie's first litter and she's under a year old, so we knew there was a possibility that a) Rosie would die, b) the kittens would die, or c) the kittens would be deformed. In reality, at least as we knew it, the only problem was that Pippa got stuck coming out. Mimi waited a little to see if she could get out on her own, but finally had to pull her out. That, combined, with possible birth defects that we don't know about, could have resulted in what happened today. The other kittens, Suki and Frankie, appear to be doing well. They are fat and happy.

Sadly, we don't even have a picture of Pippa. Rosie has been very protective of her kittens so we've tried to leave them alone as much as possible until the get bigger. All we have is the picture we took the day they were born. Pippa is the light gray fluff that you see...her head was darker than the rest of her body, which is why I liked her...she was unique.

Bieber Fever

2010-07-31T19:04:00.011-04:00

One of my favorite things about being home is the opportunity that I have to spend with my cousins. I've filled the role of the "fun aunt" despite the fact that they are not my nieces and nephews. I take them to the movies, I take them shopping, and this week, I took the girls to see Justin Bieber. Yes, that's right, the Biebs.

If you live under a rock, Justin Bieber is the current IT boy of teenage crushdom. This adorable kid with horrible shoes has been singing and dancing his way into the hearts of America's girls.

If I were 13 years younger, I would totally have Bieber Fever. Despite my age, however, I was determined to have an enjoyable evening with the girls.

I love a good concert! Among my favorites: Randy Travis, Journey and Foreigner, Goo Goo Dolls and Sugar Ray, Bon Jovi,Simple Plan and the All-American Rejects, and Guns and Roses.

I also took the girls to the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers concert three years ago. It was fun, but the girls were a little overwhelmed by their first concert and spent most of the evening sitting down. Which meant I didn't get to stand and dance. Plus, I didn't know the songs, so I couldn't even sing along! It was fun, but it could have been better.

I was determined that this concert better. On Thursday afternoon, I packed up my makeup and curling irons to take over to the girls' house to help them get ready. On the way, I stopped at Walmart to pick up two of the Biebs' cds to listen to while we primped.

I curled Bailey's hair.

Then I attempted to curl Kristen's. Sadly, she is cursed with unbelievably straight hair, so it didn't work. Then I did both girls' makeup...with some purple glitter eye stuff. Very concert appropriate.

We then headed to Target to pick up some shoes to go with their JB concert outfits. Bailey opted for zebra ballet flats while Kristen rocked the converse.

Inside, the girls awaited the arrival of Sean Kingston, who was opening for JB. Before him, though, we listened to Vita Chambers and Jarelle Johnson.

Sean Kingston was awesome! We had a ton of fun rockin' out to him. He brought a special guest with him: Iyaz! He's most known for his song "Solo." If we had left after Sean Kingston and Iyaz, I would have been totally satisfied!

Finally, Justin made his appearance, singing my favorite song by him, "Love Me."

He put on a fantastic show! At one point, they had him harnessed into a giant heart, playing his guitar out over the audience. And then they had him walk up a wall. He later got up in a giant egg like contraption to fly over the audience...twice. It was a great show, and boy can dance.

We had a great time. I can't wait until our next concert...whenever that is!

2010 Goals Update

2010-07-26T22:17:00.002-04:00

I should have done this a month ago, but I'm kind of behind on pretty much everything lately. Whatever.

Here's my 7 month review on this year's goals:

Relearn French. Yeah, so I bought a beginner's guide several months ago and started in on the first lesson...I haven't touched it since. I need to bring it out again and schedule in some time to work on it. I wish I could afford to take a class at UALR but $600 is a lot for a hobby.
Learn how to play tennis. I have been taking tennis lessons from Gail this summer. She's amazing. I have also been playing in Summerellas, the summer women's league for beginners. And I bought two tennis outfits and a visor. One day I'll post pictures...when I get them from Mom.
Grow out my hair. I am actually doing quite well at this...for me. And yet, no pictures. I have had to have it continually cut in order to grow out layers and still feel somewhat attractive as I lengthen my coif. But it's longer than it's been in a LONG time. I'm hoping by the end of the year that it will come past my shoulders. My collar bone would be even better, but that's reaching.
Write a book. Ech. I started writing one. And then I stopped. And got side tracked. And now I want to write something different. But I keep putting it off. Finding excuses. It's probably stemming from a fear of failure. I need to suck it up and just do it.
Write emails/letters at least once a month to keep in touch with friends. Yeah, so I started this, and then it just kind of fell by the wayside. It's a lot easier when people write back. But I know for a fact that some of my cards brightened the days of the recipients so I need to get back on that.
Visit Elizabeth in San Diego. Alas, Elizabeth is now in Provo, so that goal must be altered. But it is still my plan to visit her before the year is over (assuming I can raise the funds) and I'm quite excited by the fact that she's back in Happy Valley because it's been four years since my last visit to ProvOrem.
Buy a bike. And ride it. Done and done. I have sufficiently completed this goal, but I hope to continue riding. I hate riding in my neighborhood; however, I don't always have the time to pack up the bike and head down to the River Trail. I try, though, I really do.
Get settled. This goal is the bane of my existence. I want so badly to complete this goal, and yet everytime I think I have completed it in SOME way, I realize that I feel more unsettled than ever. I've got my room set up, yet it's still currently in chaos. I decided that I wasn't going to be a drama therapist anymore and was going to teach high school English instead and then, last week, changed my mind again. I'm going back to drama therapy (did I ever really leave? Does not working in the field for a year count as leaving?). I've had some frustrations there, which I haven't voiced much, but I realized after penning a very passionate letter to some NADT board members about an important matter that I do, in fact, still want to be a drama therapist despite the numerous challenges and frustrations that apparently come with being a drama therapist.
Learn how to sew. Despite having designed yet another quilt and having almost completed the squares (I just have to do some embroidery), I cannot, in fact, sew. Has there been time for Mom to teach me? No. She's so overwhelmed that there's no time. And frankly, I'm a little scared. Of sewing, and of having her teach me. I thought about paying for lessons, but I can't bring myself to do that when Mom can do it for free.
Do all my school work Monday through Friday. No weekends. I fell kind of short on this goal and ended up using some Saturdays. I'm actually taking a break this term (because I was going to leave the program and start the Masters of Secondary Ed this Fall, but I changed my mind), and I won't start again until October. Which is kind of nice. So, we'll see how I do then.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you want an email or a card to brighten your day, please let me know, and not only will you receive one, but you'll also know that you have helped me reach my goal!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2010-07-09T22:32:00.002-04:00

I've been working on setting my room and office up. It's been a slow process, and although I'm close, I'm still not done. I need to finish sanding my desk, and then paint it. And I need to hang a few pictures and get my closet organized a little. I'm hoping that I'll be finished in the next couple of days.

One of the things I had to do was go through my stuff that's been packed up for three years. I found my cds, my stuffed bears (I gave most of them to Bailey and Kristen, but kept my favorites), and clothes.

I also found my journals. I used to be really good at keeping a journal before I started blogging. I wrote regular entries and even encluded printed emails. It was interesting to flip through them and to see what I found to be important in my life. Some of it was silly, but a lot of it was not. It brought back a lot of memories. I had a great college experience. I was really lucky. And I had wonderful friends. Even though I had some hard times, I really was very blessed.

The Dirty ATL and more....

2010-07-05T21:30:00.003-04:00

Every time that I blog I swear to myself that I am going to do it more often because it's always at least a week between posts! I had every intention of blogging about Atlanta as soon as I got home, but I was so dang exhausted! And now, a week has past and I've written nothing. So here goes.

Atlanta

We got there on Friday night and drove around for forty-five minutes trying to find a hotel (with a fridge and an outdoor pool). Half the country showed up for "that Oprah thing." We finally found a place.

I got four hours of sleep and got up at what my body thought was 4:00 am to get ready (it was 5:00 am but it was EST).

Mom dropped me off and I walked around to the end of the line...behind Kohl's. Apparently, three thousand people were already there at 5:45 that morning, when they opened the parking lot for cars. I waited in line just over an hour to get my wristband. I didn't have to be back until 2:00.

I came back about 2:30, after going back to the hotel and laying out at the pool. I was done by 3:00. I went last in my group, and my pitch was the most cohesive of all of them. Mom watched, and she said the casting director would watch me, then flip through my application, and then watch me some more. He didn't watch anyone else that much. I hoped this would be enough to get me a callback, but alas, it was not. I was disappointed, but I'm totally okay with it. I tried my hardest, and it just wasn't enough. Honestly, that's not surprising. I knew the odds were slim. But I have no regrets and I'm grateful for all the support!

Highlights:
Going to Trader Joe's!! I miss that store so badly. I really wanted to buy some soy corndogs, but I had no way to get them home (it's an 8 hour drive).

Ikea!! I got a rug for my office and a cat tree for Ella, Caleb's kitten. She likes to climb the walls. I also got a nightstand.

The lack of sleep from the trip and the driving wiped me out, so I didn't do much this past week. I had my tennis lesson, and we cooked out at Mimi's on the 3rd...that's our family tradition. We always celebrate the 4th the night before. We went to the park on Sunday night with a bunch of people from church to watch the fireworks. That was fun.

Now I'm just working on gettting organized. I got some more stuff out of storage. I'm painting my office tonight, and I'm sanding down (and hopefully painting) my desk tomorrow. Tomorrow night, Mom, Mimi, and I are throwing a baby shower for Rachel G. She just moved into our ward about a month ago and she's due in a couple of weeks. We're doing dessert at Copeland's...yum!

Josh is back at home. Gracie and Hayden spent the night with us on Friday, and Mom and I took Gracie to get her first mani/pedi. It was adorable! She got little flowers painted on her big toes. It was a lot of fun. I haven't gotten to spend much time with them, so I really enjoyed it.

Okay, well I'm all caught up. Time to paint!

Chasing a Dream

2010-06-19T21:11:00.006-04:00

Last weekend, I went to Dallas (sorry Bethann!) to audition for a new reality show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN), called Your OWN Show! I have wanted to be a talk show host since I was 15, but it's just never been in the cards for me...I thought about the acting route, but it just wasn't the right path. Still, that dream of being a talk show host has never gone away...I tucked it up there on the shelf with my dream of being a Russian ballerina, my dream of owning a Manhattan brownstone, and my dream of having a family compound complete with horses, pool, tennis court, and pavillion.

But then, one day, while reading Perez Hilton, I came across a link for this new show. Thank you Perez! I clicked on it and saw that there was an audition in Dallas in four days. I told Mom and Mimi and they agreed to help me chase my dream.

Getting out of Little Rock was crazy. Mom had to train some people at the University, my outfit needed help at the last minute, and a cell phone was left at home. It was 5:00 before we hit the rode. We stopped in Texarkana to eat dinner and buy me a pair of capris before hitting the rode again. It was 11:00 by the time we checked into our hotel. I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. the next morning.

I woke up at 4:00. And again at 4:30. When the alarm went off at 5:00, I managed to stumble out of bed and into the shower. I woke Mom up at a quarter to six so she could take me the two miles down the road to Kohl's.

The parking lot was supposed to open at 6:00 a.m., but it actually opened 15 minutes early, so there was already a long line by the time I got there. Mom dropped me off and then went back to the hotel to take a shower. I got in line with my Nutella sandwich and immediately began talking to the camera that showed up at the same time. Perhaps I'll make on t.v. with my sandwich!

I chatted with Linda, the 61 year old woman next to me in line, for about an hour. Then we got our wristbands. I was 103 in the pink line (there were five lines, so I was about the 500th person, give or take), and I was told to come back in about an hour or so.

Mom came and picked me and we went back to the hotel. I ate a banana, drank some hot chocolate, filled them in on what had happened so far, and freshened up before heading back.

I waited in line for another hour, but it wasn't so bad. I was under the big tent, and it was cloudy out. I still melted a little under the Texas heat and humidity. I chatted with people in line until it was time for my group of twelve to meet with the casting agent.

Under a smaller tent, we had 30 seconds to pitch our show. I was the 8th person, I think. My idea was for a traditional talk show that was upbeat but not afraid to talk about the heavy stuff. I wanted to show how everyday people get through things in a positive way. I also wanted to talk to celebrities because we all love famous people. And I wanted fun segments like how to throw a theme party or make a mocktail.

If they liked your pitch, they called you that night to schedule a callback for the next day.

I didn't get a call.

I wasn't surprised.

Honestly, my pitch was way too generic. But I hadn't been able to think of anything else.

And then, the next day, I realized that I wasn't done with this. I knew I could still submit a video (the top 5 are guaranteed to make it to the next stage) that the casting producers would see. But I had to change my pitch. But to what?

Suddenly, it came to me. I figured out what I wanted to do. I worked on my pitch on the way home, and when I shared it with Mom and Mimi, Mom asked me where the next closest audition was. I told her it was in Atlanta in two weeks. Let's go, she said. Really? Yes.

So, we're going to Atlanta next weekend for a second live audition. I couldn't find anything in the rules that said I couldn't, so I'm going for it. I've made a video as well, and you can watch it (and vote for it!!!) here. It's not the best video, but I like to think the idea is good.

When I started this, it was because I want to live my life without regrets. I don't want to be afraid to chase my dreams, even if the chances of me getting them are really slim. When this is over, I can say that I tried. I tried really hard. And if it happens, that's fantastic, but if it doesn't, I'm okay, too. I have a plan for this fall, and I'm okay with it. I like this idea better, but I'm realistic.

Anyway, this is me chasing my dream (one of the many), and I hope you'll join and support me along the way (even if you think I suck...especially if I really suck)!

A Bicycle built for One...

2010-06-01T10:27:00.002-04:00

I have been lamenting about how unactive I have become since moving back to Arkansas. I walked all the time in New York (to and from work/subway station: 1 mile each way; home from church: 2 miles; from the Temple to the 110 Subway station: about 2 miles) and I was in the best shape of my life. Here, however, everyone drives everywhere! Our city is just not built for walkers. We have a bus system, but it's shady in some parts. And there are almost no sidewalks, although my neighborhood has them. We do have a nice walking/running/bike trail down by the river but that's 15-20 minutes away depending on traffic and it's an ordeal to get down there sometimes.

So, Mom and I decided that we would ride our bikes to Wal-Mart and back. Dad and I figured it up and it's just at 2.5 miles one way, so we get a nice, 5 mile bike ride.

This morning, Mom and I pulled out our pretty pink and blue retro style bikes, complete with baskets, and started our trek to Sonic (it's right next to Wal-Mart). We stopped at the library so I could return some books. Right before we got there, I completely rode off the sidewalk, down the small hill, and into a bush! It was Ha-larious! If I had been driving by I would have lost it laughing! Seriously. It was really funny.

Anyway, we dropped off my books and continued on. At this point we'd gone a mile. By a mile and a half (give or take), we were really feeling it. Then we came to the overpass. I tried to make it all the way up the hill, but had to give up and walk my bike the rest of the way. My legs were burning! We managed to survive the overpass and make it to Sonic where Mom was forced to order a water (GASP!) along with her Route 44 Diet Dr. Pepper (I got a Route 44 water, as always). We drank up and ate some granola bars before we headed back. Mom says she almost didn't make it back, but I think she did fabulous! I was suprised at how well I did, considering I'm not as in shape as I was six months ago, although I still had my moments.

Mom's not sure she's ready to do the 5 mile trek again this week, so we're going to ride to the library and back tomorrow (2 miles), and then push it to the post office and back on Thursday (about 2.5 miles). Hopefully, we can also get in a ride early Friday morning (2.5 to 3 miles) before we head out of town with Mimi to take Aunt Earlene to visit her daughter for the weekend.

I'm very excited to be active again. And I get to ride my beautiful pink bike! With it's basket! The lady at the gas station really liked our bikes, by the way. She thought they were cute!

I'm hoping that I can get up to riding 10 miles a day, and then maybe 20 (although I don't know if I'd have time to ride that much each day). My former roommate, Carrie, is my inspiration here: she used to ride 10 miles to work each day (across the George Washington Bridge into New Jersey) and 10 miles back!

Anyway, I really, really, really, really want to bike Romania. Like really, really want to. But you put in about 20 miles a day (at least), and there are some hills. I have to really get in shape if I want to do that. And save a ton of money. It's not cheap to fly to Romania. I looked it up and it's a couple of thousand just to get there and back. You have to fly into a major European city and then fly to Bucharest. And then it's at least $1500 just for the bike trip, maybe more depending on the conversion rate. But that covers bike rental, tour guide, van to carry you if you need a break, van to carry your luggage to the next town, and hostel/inn fees. Then there's food, souvenirs, and entry fees to castles and such. But it would be such a lovely experience!

Until now, it's just to Sonic and back!

Clearing the Chaos

2010-05-29T21:56:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been somewhat chaotic. We've been spring cleaning (as in throwing things away), reorganizing (the pantry, Mom's office, the craft area, Caleb's school area), and redoing (turning Mom's old office into my new bedroom).

It seems that clearing the chaos only creates more chaos. I'm in my room now, with all of my books neatly lining the shelves on my IKEA Billy Bookcases; however, my new bedding is still in the works, my clothes are still in Caleb's closet, and I'm surrounded by boxes. I'll post pictures once everything is all put together.

I'm finishing up my current term of classes. My heart's not really in it lately, but I'm plugging away trying to do well so I can still get A's. I'm taking the rest of the summer off once classes end next month. Fall will bring some changes, but I'm not quite ready to put exactly what that means out into the blogosphere.

I'm working on a new quilt. I'm quite pleased with it so far. I need to do some embroidery work and then it will be ready to be pieced together. It's yet another picture quilt (I do love those), but it's a gift, so I can't say much about it and I can't post pictures until it's the hands of its new owner. Hopefully that will be soon.

There's really not much to blog about because anything worth blogging about is only halfway done. Hopefully, that will change soon!

Hair Update

2010-05-10T14:05:00.003-04:00

Okay, so one of my New Year's Goals was to grow my hair out. I've technically been doing it since August, but it's only been official since January. It's been a long process because my hair was so short and I'm growing out layers. I thought it would be fun to look at some old pictures to see my progress, and I wanted to share!

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T13:58:00.006-04:00

This year, the kids and I made our Mother's Day presents. We decoupaged cans and made pencil holders. The kids also painted and decoupaged bookmarks. And I decoupaged a decorative plate. Sadly, I didn't take pictures of the kids while they made their gifts (I know, lame), but I did snap some pics of my gifts before giving them out.

This is for Mimi's paint brushes.

This is for Mom's odds and ends.

This is for Nana.

"I Believe...."

2010-04-24T12:31:00.002-04:00

My friend Shan shared this with me today, and I thought it was absolutely lovely, so I've decided to share it with you!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." ---Audrey Hepburn

"Why doesn't Sarah leave the house?"

2010-04-21T13:54:00.002-04:00

Mom came home from Caleb's game last night and told me that on the way home, he asked her, "Why doesn't Sarah leave the house?"

Now this is a somewhat valid question because for the past couple of days, I haven't actually left the house. Between last week's craziness of working on Mimi's house and not getting enough sleep and my allergies, I spent the past two days in bed, resting and writing papers.

However, this is not what he was talking about. After Mom explained to him that I hadn't been feeling well, he said, "No. Why doesn't she go back to her house?"

Mom explained to him that I lived with them now. He was disappointed because he likes going to New York City!

I thought this was hilarious, especially because there have been several times in the past when he has told me he wants me to stay for 70 weeks.

Apparently, he likes having me around, but also misses the opportunity to travel to the City (he likes the "trains"). I miss it, too. The City and the subway.

Alas, though, I believe that I will be here until I finish my second Master's degree. I have worked out a plan to take two classes every term (10 weeks long), and as long as I can go to my residencies (2 different week long classes which require me to travel...I'm planning on Chicago in November because I can knock out the residency and the NADT conference at the same time and save a little money) when I'm scheduled to, I should be in practicum by Fall of 2011 (October), start my first intership in Winter of 2012 (January), and be finished completely by the end of Spring 2012 (June). Which is still a long ways away, but it's better than the plan the school had set up, which had me finishing at the end of 2013!

I'm ready to be done with all of this and practicing as a counselor. The quickest way is to go full time. Staying at my house allows me to do that financially. Even though it's not my first choice, it feels right for now.

So that is why I haven't left the house!

Time Out For Women 2010--Infinite Hope

2010-04-14T14:17:00.006-04:00

This past weekend, I headed up to Memphis with Mom, Mimi, Llewellyn, and Anita for Time Out For Women. It's a women's conference sponsered by Deseret Book, and they hold them all of over the country. They bring in speakers and musicians, and for a day and a half, we have the opportunity to be uplifted and have our wells filled.

This was my first TOFW, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was disappointed that Sheri Dew was unable to come to speak to us. I love her books. She had an opportunity to go to Africa with a charity that gives books to children and families, and she was unable to work it out to do both. She taped her talk especially for us and they played it for us Friday night. Throughout the weekend, we also got to hear from John Bytheway, Hilary Weeks, Emily Watts, S. Michael Wilcoz, Mariama Kallon, Amanda Dickson, and Mary Ellen Edmunds. I thought I'd share some of the things that stuck out to me as I listened to them.

The theme was Infinite Hope.

Sheri Dew:
"You have greater influence than you think."

It is essential for us to know that Jesus is the Christ, God is our Father, and the gospel is restored.

John Bytheway:
We bless food to nourish our bodies. The sacrament nourishes our souls.

"I think I'll be delightful today..."

Emily Watts:
Hopes we are tempted to abandon by should never, ever let go of:
1. Hope that your children can improve, can grow, can progress.
*Hope is about waiting with patience.
2. Hope that this work that we're engaged in is worth it.
3. Hope that someone smarter than us (Heavenly Father) stands ready to help us.

Hilary Weeks:
Quoting Marjorie Pay Hinckley: "Be kind. Everone you meet is facing something difficult."

When you feel overwhelmed, try to be grateful for what little you have.

The Lord has the power to multiply (loaves and fishes), to magnify, to make more...of us.

Gratitude gives us proper perspective.

S. Michael Wilcox:
When looking for hope, look forward (as Moses did when parting the Red Sea), look backward (as David did when facing Goliath...he had already slain tigers and bears), and look beside you (Road to Emaus).

Mariama Kallon:
I mostly just cried through hers. She is a refugee from Sierra Leone, who watched as her parents were shot, but didn't have time to bury them as she, too, was running for her life. Watched her sister's arms and legs get cut off after they were raped. She was only saved because she was toward the end of the line when the rebels fled the scene because people were coming to help the villagers. She joined the church, and right before she left to serve her mission, she found out that her nephew and step-sister were alive and she was the sole kin alive. Her bishop took them in so she could go on a mission. Six months before her mission ended, a Utah family adopted her nephew and step-sister, and they also made arrangements to take her in as well. They already had 8 children. Her step-sister is now married (in the temple) and has a baby, and her nephew is 11 and doing well. So is she.

Her advise to us? Listen, Obey, and do what He (the Lord) wants you to do.

Listening to her story put my trials into perspective. It could always be worse. I have been extremely blessed.

She's working on a book. I can only guess that it will be extremely moving.

Oh. And she had a hygiene kit from the church. She grabbed it when she had to flee again. She shared her hygiene kit (meant for one) with 25 other women over three weeks. It kept them somewhat clean and kept their spirits and their hopes up. The service that we do here matters to people out there.

Amanda Dickson:
We let fear of disappointment get in the way of our hopes.

There is energy in change.

Make simple, playful changes to prepare yourself for bigger, harder changes.

Quoting Gandhi: "Be the change you want to see in the world." Changing his quote for us: Be the change you want to see in other people.

You can change the spirit of your work.

Your best IS good enough.

Mary Ellen Edmunds:
Resilience: the ability to bounce back; the ability to have hope; the power to believe in God throughout all the trials of our life.

Much of what we do is without anyone cheering us on.

We don't have the counsel to endure to the middle. (For any non-Mormons reading this, we are counseled to endure to the end.)

Can you think of anything that is keeping you from more hope?

*******************************************************************
I was very moved by all of the talks, some more than others. Throughout the weekend, I felt my spirits lifting, my well filling, and my hopes returning. I didn't realize how much I had lost hope until I felt it returning. Coming home has not been an easy thing for me. Though I love being surrounded by my family, and though I know this is where the Lord wants me to be at this moment in my life, I feel small here. I don't feel like myself. And as I am doing what the Lord wants me to do, and not necessarily what I want to do, I find myself losing some of my hopes for the things that I want. I am having a hard time seeing them come to fruition. But this past weekend reminded me that just because I can't see what's next, it doesn't mean it's not there. It's okay to continue to hope for things. And just because I don't love where I am in my life right now, it doesn't mean that I can't find joy in it, that I can't be delightful each day. I was reminded that when we do what the Lord wants us to do, when we listen to Him and follow His plan for us, our hopes will be realized. It may take some time, we may replace some hopes with others, but the Lord will not let us down. It's not in His nature. We are the ones who let Him down. We can and should have hope in Him.

Catching Up

2010-04-02T17:54:00.002-04:00

Life is a bit crazy at the moment. I didn't start feeling better until a day or so ago. Stupid allergies. The pollen and ragweed counts are really high right now, which has not been helping things.

Mimi is set to move out next Tuesday...except that we are still working on her new house and packing up her old one. We are procrastinating in true Bisbee style.

In addition to Mimi's move next week, Bay is turning 13 on Wednesday and Caleb will be 6 on Saturday. Of course, Mom, Mimi, and I will be in Memphis on Caleb's birthday. We're going up on Thursday for Time Out for Women. It's my first time to go, and I'm looking forward to it.

Baseball and softball games have also been keeping us busy. Caleb's team won their first non-tournament game, thanks to Caleb's hit. He made it to first and got two runs in, which put us in the lead. They went on to score again for a win of 6-3. It was really exciting! They lost their next game, but it was still a good game. I was surprised by how much I got into the games considering they were being played by 6 and 7 year olds. We also managed to catch one of Kristen's games, which they won. By a landslide. It was kind of sad for the other team actually! We haven't had a chance to see Brenden play yet, but I'm hoping to soon. Some of the games overlap, so we don't always to get to see everyone play. Mom, Dad, and I go to Caleb's games. Mimi's at Kristen's games, and Robert is at Brenden's.

And now that I've gotten caught up, it's back to packing!

Bleh.

2010-03-24T13:13:00.001-04:00

It's 70 degree weather outside this week.

I need to do my visiting teaching.

We're gutting Mimi's new house and we've finally gotten to the part I can do: painting.

Cassie's in town.

And I have the crud.

I hate being sick.

Grandma Wallace

2010-03-11T14:04:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my great-grandma's memorial. I was asked to speak, and I have decided to pay tribute to her here as well.

Ella Florine Wallace was a woman full of life and energy. It radiated off of her. It made her someone that other people wanted to be around. Grandma Wallace loved her family, and her family loved her. When one of my friends found out that Grandma Wallace had passed on, she sent me her condolences. In them she said, “I didn't know your great grandma but she must have been pretty awesome to have been the matriarch of your family.” How true that is.

If I could pick any word to describe Grandma Wallace, it would be “strong.” She is one of the strongest women I have ever known. She lived through the Depression, she took care of her small children on her own while her husband was at war, she buried an infant son, and she raised seven strong daughters.

I have proudly bragged about Grandma Wallace throughout the years. I am proud to be the great-granddaughter of a woman who remained independent through her later years, despite being what the world would call old. You see, Grandma Wallace was not old, even at 91. She would have been offended to have been called so. Although her body aged, she was forever young at heart. I remember several years ago finding out that a day or so after Grandma Wallace got out of the hospital after having some health problems, she was out mowing her lawn. With a push mower. She got upset when her daughters told her not to do it. She’d been doing it for years and nothing was going to keep her down.

Grandma Wallace took a healthy pride in her appearance. She was slightly vain, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I believe it shows a healthy sense of self, something she has passed on. She was always dressed appropriately, complete with makeup and lipstick. While on a cruise through the Caribbean, Grandma Wallace got sick in the Cayman Islands. She spent the entire day in the hospital, but that was okay, because the doctor fawned over her, saying that she had movie star legs. This made her day. As they rushed back to the ship, which had been delayed for her, she gushed about how the doctor thought she had movie star legs. She was more concerned with telling her daughters about that than she was about her health.

I wish that I had known her better. I have many childhood memories of going to her home for Easter fish fries and Christmas parties. But as children, we flit around concerned for nothing but ourselves and the present. By the time I was old enough to truly appreciate my great-grandmother, I was finishing high school and moving on to college and all kinds of new adventures. I wasn’t always home for Easter, and I sometimes missed the family Christmas parties. But I always looked forward to any opportunity to see Grandma Wallace. I appreciated her and her vivacious love of life.

I will miss Grandma Wallace, but I’m grateful for her presence in my life. I am grateful for the example that she set, and for the spirit that she had. Although it is sad that she has left us, I know that she had a happy reunion on the other side as she greeted her husband and her little boy. I know that she continues to live, both in the next life and in our hearts. And that gives me hope and peace. I can only hope that I can have as long and as full a life as she did, and that one day, maybe, just maybe, when I’m what the world calls “old,” someone will tell me that I have movie star legs.

The Big Dam Bridge

2010-03-09T16:01:00.011-05:00

I'm a little behind on my blogging. Life, as usual, has been somewhat crazy, but I had a few minutes today so I snuck onto Mom's laptop and uploaded the pictures from our bike trip a couple of weeks ago.

Mom, Mimi, Robert, Bay, Bry, Kris, Caleb, and I all headed out to ride our bikes across the Big Dam Bridge.

This is the bridge. It's really long. And riding uphill is not easy. Especially when you're out of shape. Like me.

This is the view from the Bridge. That's Pinnacle Mountain in the background. Isn't it such a lovely view?

This is how I felt after the ride!

My New Set of Wheels

2010-02-17T22:02:00.004-05:00

Today, I fulfilled half of one of my goals.

I bought a bike!

Isn't it pretty?

I will look absolutely adorable riding it!

I Am My Own Valentine

2010-02-13T21:21:00.002-05:00

How do I love me?

Let me count the ways.

Today I treated myself to a day out with the person who loves me most: ME!

This is how much I love me:

1. I drove across the river to North Little Rock. Specifically, to McCain Blvd. On a Saturday. That is crazy in and of itself. It is one of the worst traffic places you will encounter in this area. It's horrible! I headed over to McCain Mall first, where I hunted for parking and got a little exercise in the process. I do love exercise. Seriously. I do.

2. I then headed inside where I searched to see if the rumors were true. In my quest to find a place to get my eyebrows threaded, I came across a post online that said there was a kiosk at McCain Mall that did threading. The rumor was true!!!! I love myself so much that I waited in line for an hour just to get threaded. Totally worth it.

3. Then I headed over to Tandy 10, the local dollar theatre. To do this, I had to once again brave the insane traffic in the mall parking lot and on McCain Blvd. It took me 15 minutes just to get there. I probably could have walked it in 10. I then waited in line to pay my $1.25 in quarters (I don't need them know that I don't have to pay to do laundry) and bought my ticket to New Moon. Because I love me. And I love vegetarian vampires and shirtless faux werewolves.

4. After the movie, which was still enjoyable the second time around, I yet again braved the traffic on McCain Blvd to cross back over to the shopping center across from the mall where I went to Barnes & Noble. It's no Borders, but it's all we have here. I browsed the bargain section where I found two books, and then I headed over to the language section. I debated and debated, but I finally bought a French learning program. It's only the first level, but it's a start, and it's mine, which means I can write in the book. It will help me reach my goal of being conversationally fluent in French by the end of the year. Ah, how I love me.

Those are just the ways I loved me today. I love me when I take a day off. I love me when I take a hot bath. I love me when I read a good book. I love me when I talk to my friends (which I totally did on Friday night...Skype chat with Patti and Paula). I love me when I spend time with my family. I love me when I cuddle with my cat. I love me when I buy myself something pretty.

I am a pretty good Valentine, if I do say so myself!

How do Parents do it?

2010-02-06T14:41:00.002-05:00

I took my cousin, Bay, to see Little Women last night. It was playing at the Arkansas Arts Center, and all the young women from her ward were going. Mimi got sick at the last minute so she asked me to fill in, which I did quite willingly. The play was okay (really, it's difficult to abridge Little Women AND have a quality play...the actors, set, and costumes were great, but the script was lacking).

I noticed that Bay didn't really talk to the other girls, except for her cousin who is slightly older. Driving home, I asked her about it in a roundabout way. Basically, it came down to the fact that Bay just doesn't feel like she fits in with the girls her age. She went to Girls' Camp last summer and had fun...but she had fun with the girls from other wards. We talked a little about why she didn't feel like she fit in: part of it is that she doesn't have anything in common with them...music, the way she dresses (they're preppy and she leans more towards trendy), and the things they do. One girl cheers, another dances or does gymnastics or something, some of the girls have the same friends even though they don't go to the same school, etc. At one point, I asked her if it's because these girls have more money. She said no at first, but then changed her answer and said that they talk about doing all of these things or having all these things that she doesn't do or have.

Those things are definitely part of it. But I think (and I told her this) that part of it is that, at 12, she's experienced more than some adults....she's seen the ugly side of life. She doesn't come from a traditional family, and she has a different outlook on life because of all her experiences. That would make it difficult to fit in with girls who have never had to want or worry about things other than boys, makeup, school, and extra curriculars (to be fair, I don't actually know what these girls have experienced in their lives, so I could be off base a bit).

Bay and her siblings have lived in squalor. They have seen their parents do drugs. They have had to deal with the fact that their parents chose drugs over them. They live with a surrogate parent and other family members (their aunt who is their guardian, Nana, their great-aunt who has Down Syndrome, their great-great aunt who has Alztheimer's, another cousin, and their uncle). Money is tight. While their needs are met and while they have actually seen quite a bit of the country for not having a lot of money, there is not a lot left over for extras. They have learned to be creative and to do without.

While this does not make someone better or worse than anyone else, it certainly makes them different. At an age when different is not fun.

It breaks my heart, especially because I don't know how to make it better. I understand what they're going through, although not completely. I grew up with a single mom, and then in a blended family. I didn't have a lot of money, and I still don't, although some times were better than others and I have experienced quite a bit. I didn't fit in at school...my boobs were too big, I wasn't skinny, I wasn't pretty until my senior year of high school, I was shy, I was smart, and I was Mormon. But it was okay because I had such a wonderful group of friends at church. Church was the one place where I could be myself. Nikki, Jennifer, Jessica, Cynthia, Lisa, and sometimes Monika, and I spent almost every weekend together in some form or fashion after we turned 16. Before that, we still hung out...sleepovers, dances, etc. We were all different, but we worked. And it made it okay that I didn't fit in at school.

I had hoped that my cousins would find the same thing at church that I did...good friends who would be their peer support group throughout this crazy period we call adolescence.

It breaks my heart because I don't know if it will happen. It breaks my heart because I can't fix it.

If only it was something simple like these girls were mean to her. But they're not. I'm sure they talk to her, and she talks to them. She isn't always able to make it to church because of the craziness of our family's life, so that doesn't help. The problem is that she is different, older in some ways and younger in others, and she lacks the confidence that comes from knowing that everything in your life is secure. All three of them do. On top of it, Kris is angry (and rightfully so) and Bry's in denial (and autistic, although he's high on the spectrum), which doesn't help.

I think these kids are lonely...either because they choose to be (like Kris with her anger) or because they don't feel like they belong. And the only thing that makes it bearable is a firm testimony of who you are...but let's be honest, that rarely happens this young. They're still figuring it all out. They are figuring out who they are and what they believe while trying to be accepted and at the same times be themselves...except they don't really know who that person is.

How do parents do this? Watch their kids struggle to find themselves and fit it, while at the same time hoping they don't decide to fit in with the wrong crowd? They're not my kids, and yet I feel their pain and want for them what a parent wants. I want them to stop hurting and to be happy. I want them to feel secure. I want them to trust. I want them to know how much they are loved even though the people they want to love them most don't love them enough. I want them to feel "normal." Just once. I want them to recognize the hand of the Lord in their lives, to recognize how much He loves them, and I want them to love themselves. I want them to feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, loved enough.

I don't have the answers. I can't do anything for them except love them, pray for them, and spend time with them. That's all any of us can do for them. I just hope it's enough.

I'm Dreaming of....

2010-02-01T01:50:00.012-05:00

I can't sleep at the moment, so I decided to stimulate my brain further and blog a bit.

Living in Little Rock is still a bit of an adjustment for me, and lately I've been missing some things. I am trying really hard not to be one of those people who always talks about how much better it was to live in New York City, but it is really hard not to miss certain things. I lived in the best city in the U.S. for almost two years. I am most definitely a city girl. And while Little Rock is a city (thank heavens!), I am still missing a few things.

Eyebrow Threading

I love getting threaded. Seriously. Love. It. It is so much better on my skin than waxing and so much quicker than tweezing. I have yet to find a place here that does threading.

Bikram Yoga

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Bikram Yoga. I love yoga, but I find Bikram especially enjoyable because it is so challenging for me and I really feel like I've gotten a great workout when I'm through. There is just something that is so refreshing about spending an hour and a half in a 103 (or more) degree room doing yoga and sweating your guts out. I've only done it three times because it is SOOO expensive ($20-23 a class) in the City. Unfortunately, Little Rock has not hopped on the Bikram bandwagon...they're still trying to get on the yoga bandwagon. We have three or four yoga studios in the area, and then there are yoga classes at various gyms, but no Bikram studio.

Anthropologie

Okay, so I can't actually afford this place, but I just love to look at the things they carry.

Like this outfit. I would look adorable in this outfit.

I would wear said outfit while lounging casually on this bed:

H&M

I love H&M. It's seriously the best place to get t-shirts. They have them on sale for $5 all the time, and they're good t-shirts. They have lots of other great clothes, too, and I sometimes buy dresses from them. They're fashionable but reasonably priced.

Trader Joe's

This is seriously one of the coolest places to buy food. They sell a lot of their own brand foods which makes it all really cheap. They have this great tomato soup in a box that I ADORE. It's so cheap, and so good, and doesn't have near the sodium that canned soup does. Also, they sell soy corn dogs and chocolate soy ice cream. Oh, how I miss them.

However deprived I am at the moment (I know, right? Poor me.), I am blessed to have access to:

Where I can buy:

These babies taste soooo good with black bean hummus (which I make myself). My friend Megan W. introduced these to me last summer at her birthday party (we had a picnic at the Central Park Zoo), and I have loved them ever since. I am so grateful that we have Whole Foods here.

I am also very lucky to have access to Tandy 10.

It's the dollar theater in the area, and although it tends to attract a certain element, it provides cheap movies for a girl who loves to go to the movie theater. Additionally, I can go to the regular priced theater for about three or four dollars less than in New York.

Too Much Murder?

2010-01-29T19:43:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my New York friends, Nikki and Shaundra, I have gotten hooked on the t.v. show, Bones. New episodes come on Thursday nights, but TNT shows reruns of three episodes four nights a week...and I have a dvr in my room. As a result, I have been watching a lot of episodes! Additionally, I watch NCIS: Los Angeles, Psych (which just started again!), and Castle. That's a lot of murder mysteries in one week. I also read the occasional murdery mystery.

But really, it's all quite fascinating. I especially find the forensic psychologists fascinating. I know that they are not the ones out there solving the mysteries or looking at the bones or playing pretend to out the murderer, BUT they do help out by providing insight into the minds of the suspects. It's pretty cool.

It almost makes me want to go into forensic psychology. Almost. But I have a feeling that real forensic psychology is not quite as fascinating. And most forensic psychologists are underpaid.

Think Before You Speak...

2010-01-16T15:47:00.004-05:00

Warning: This post is about my latest visit to the gynocologist/oncologist. Read at your own risk.

So I went to see my cancer doctor this past Thursday. As the nurse checked my vitals, she noted that my pulse was high.

Nurse: Are you nervous? Is this because they're gonna do a pap?

Before I tell you what I said, let me explain why I was nervous. I felt very strongly that I needed to move back to Little Rock. Now, I know many of the reasons why, but I feel that some of the reasons have yet to be seen. There is always some anxiety for me when I go in for a check up because I really don't want the cancer to come back. This appointment held extra anxiety because it's the first appointment I've had since I moved back. I had the fearful thought, "What if the cancer's back and that's why I needed to move home?"

Me: No, I'm not nervous about that.

And here is where I opened my mouth and spoke without thinking.

Me: In the past three years, I've had so many thing stuck up there.

Nurse: If we're gonna talk about that I need some coffee.

It was only after she said this that I realized what I had said...well, alluded to. This women thought I was talking about sex and toys. I was so embarrassed, but by the time I realized my faux pas the moment had passed to correct her. I was simply referring to the fact that since I got sick, I've had a vaginal ultrasound, numerous finger exams, and too many pap smears. In the first year alone, I had check ups every three months. Since then, it's been twice a year. That's still more than most women. My virgin self forgets that the rest of the world doesn't wait until marriage for sex and therefore they would automatically misunderstand my meaning!

I managed to live through my embarrassment and the rest of the appointment went rather smoothly. Although I must say that every time I have had a resident do my pap smear (about two or three times now), it has hurt like hell. Seriously. I mean, paps aren't that comfortable. Every woman knows that. But they don't all make you writhe in pain. Oh, but when these residents do it, it hurts. It must just be lack of experience or something. I don't really know.

And can I just tell you how extremely awkward these visits can be, especially in a university hospital? Seriously. I had my doctor, the resident, a nurse, and what I can only guess was an intern. This guy hung out in the back and never said a word. And yet he still got to look at my vagina. Awkward. Not as awkward as if it had been if either the resident or the intern happened to be someone from my ward. That was definitely one of my fears. We have a lot of med students in our ward, and in the other ward in town. I think I would have had to ask them to leave. Luckily it didn't come to that.

Anyway, after the embarrassment and then the pain and then the awkwardness, the doctor told me everything looked good. They sent me down to get some blood drawn and that was it. The blood results aren't back yet, but I hope it's safe to say that I'm three years cancer free!

Rolling on the Floor...Playing

2010-01-10T22:34:00.003-05:00

Today was the first day of my new calling as a nursery assistant. Yes, that's right. Nursery assistant. I'll be honest: I cried the day I got called. After praying for a calling that would help me to feel more a part of my ward, I got called to nursery, where I'm isolated from everyone but 8-10 toddlers and two other adults for two hours every Sunday. That was my first thought: Isolation. I was so looking forward to studing the Old Testament in Sunday School this year. No longer.

My second thought? I have no Mommy clothes. What in the heck will I wear? I wear dresses with boots and heels. Nice dresses.

I went home last week and cried a little. Then I prayed to know that this calling did indeed come from the Lord (even though I'd already accepted it), and I got the answer that it was, so I sucked it up and started looking forward to it. I laughed with others about my apprehensions, and headed straight to nursery after Sacrament meeting today.

I promptly sat myself on the floor, nice dress and all, and held a shy toddler for most of the morning while playing with the other kids. I pretended to eat all of the fake food, I rolled a ball around, and later, I got down on my belly to color with the kids and draw trucks on the back of their I'm a Child of God coloring sheets...because nothing says I'm a Child of God like a pickup truck! We sang songs and ate snacks and did the hokey pokey and turned ourselves around. It was rather enjoyable.

And while I did miss out on interacting with pretty much everyone (although to be honest, I do kind of keep to myself...still trying to find a place to fit), I had fun. In the future, I will be in charge of the music time in the nursery, and that should be fun. I have no musical talents but I do have the ability to play, so I'm not worried. Two year olds don't care if you're on pitch. Although this is not the calling I would have chosen, I'm determined to make the best of it and to be the best nursery assistant/nursery music person ever. And in the meantime, I'm still praying to find my place in the ward while not getting to interact with the ward. I suppose I'll just have to go out of my comfort zone a little more.

On another note, I picked up my French cd's from the library and will start reviewing this week!

Books, books, and more books

2010-01-06T18:34:00.004-05:00

I've spent the past few days in bed. Ever since Sunday, really. I got home from church and took a nap and have been resting ever since. Mom's been knocked out with what started as a sinus infection and is now what we think to be the flu. I have been fighting sinuses as well, which I guess accounts for all the tiredness. As a result, I have accomplished quite a bit.

Since Sunday, I've read five books (I think it's just five, it might be six). Fever, 1793 and Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. She's an interesting writer. She writes young adult fiction, but it's darker. So far, her characters have all been girls (I also read her book, Prom, last week). Wintergirls deals with a girl fighting anorexia and it takes the reader right into the craziness that is her disorder. It's sad and moving and dark.

I also read the third book in the Stravaganza series by Mary Hoffman. City of Flowers takes place in an alternate universe Florence, Italy (the first two books are set in alternate Venice and Rome*) and includes time travel. They are filled with intrique and action and are really quite fun.

Yesterday was devoted to The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. Absolutely wonderful. Tragic but wonderful. They remind of Scott Westerfield's Uglies series mixed with George Orwell's 1984. I am giddy with anticipation for the concluding novel but it doesn't come out until August.

That is how I've spent this week so far, mixed in with some movies and television shows (right now, I'm watching reruns of Buffy on t.v....ewww, there are severed body parts. Shudder).

Anyway, that's about it for now. I've got Gail Carson Levine's Fairest sitting on the desk beside me. I expect it will be finished by tomorrow.

*Correction: The second Stravaganza book takes place in Sienna. Thanks to Book Maven for the correction.

Je parle Franҫais…un peu….

2010-01-03T22:17:00.001-05:00

I have made the first step towards fulfilling my goals for this year. I have requested a French program from the library. I’m hoping it will serve as a refresher. I am interested in the Rosetta Stone program, but it’s pretty expensive. It’s probably worth it, but I’m going to check out the cheaper options first. I may also check out the French for Dummies book.

I’m kind of excited!

10 Goals for 2010….

2010-01-01T23:19:00.001-05:00

It’s a new year! So far, it’s been a good day. I rung in the New Year last night (this morning?) with my parentals and my little brother and them promptly went to bed. Nana and I went to see The Blindside this morning. Such a good movie. I was tearing up through the whole thing. It was just so touching. It always gives me hope when I see people going out of their way to help those around them. I’m a sucker for a good story.

Anyway, I love my movie dates with Nana. We got popcorn, and then after the movie, we walked around the outdoor mall. Then I came home and took a much needed nap, followed by a couple of hours of mindless reading (L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad…not horrible, by the way, but also mindless…kind of like watching The Hills…although I guess many would call that horrible. Whatever.) and take out dinner from Dixie Cafe.

And now I’m watching Glee and typing up my goals. Speaking of which, here they come. It’s 2010 so I have 10 goals for the year (in no specific order):

Relearn French. I have studied French off and on since the sixth grade when I quizzed my mom on French vocabulary on the way to school. But I am so far from fluent. I didn’t make it a priority when it got hard, and I regret it. So I am going to find a way to become more fluent.
Learn how to play tennis. I took tennis lessons when I was about ten. It didn’t turn out so well. You see, I had already played softball for four years so I swung the racket like I swung a bat. I managed to take out an indoor light while serving. I’m hoping that it will go better this time around.
Grow out my hair. I attempt to do this every couple of years, and I never seem to make it. My hair always gets to this point where I can’t stand it because I can’t do anything with it and I don’t feel pretty so I chop it off. But I’m determined to make it this time. I’m not sure how long I’m going to go with it, but I’m thinking past my shoulders. I have no idea if it will even look good, but I figure that if I make to a long length and it looks awful I’ll never want to do it again and I can get it out of my system.
Write a book. I have been saying that I want to do this for years. It’s time to finally sit down and do it. It may not be a good book and it may not be a long book, but it will be a book nonetheless.
Write emails/letters at least once a month to keep in touch with friends. I have a bad habit of losing touch with people, especially since I’m not much of a phone person (I only call a couple of friends regularly), so I’m going to try to be better about writing emails at least once a month.
Visit Elizabeth in San Diego. Last year, I made it a goal to go see Patti and her family in Florida. This year, I’m making a priority to get to San Diego. Elizabeth visited me while I was in New York, and now I’m going to repay the visit.
Buy a bike. And ride it. I have wanted a bike for a while, even in New York, but I was scared to ride it in that insane traffic. Little Rock has a trail along the river that I want to try out. I have my eye on a pink Schwinn cruiser at Target.
Get settled. Oh, how I want to be settled. This means a lot of things: get my own apartment, unpack my stuff from Kansas, decide on a program (finish this one, apply for a doctoral program, etc), get my own people, get a dog, get a job. I would love to have all of these things by the end of the year, but I’m realistic. I’ll be content if one of these things happens. I have no idea which one it will be, but I’m striving to knock at least one of the list so I will feel somewhat settled.
Learn how to sew. Ughh. I’m not terribly excited about this goal, but I know I need to do it. I just had such an awful experience in 7th grade learning how to sew that I have shunned it ever since. But I do need to learn, and I’m in a position to do so.
Do all my school work Monday-Friday. No weekends. Since I started this second Master’s program, I’ve been pretty good about getting all of my work done by Saturday night so I’d have Sundays all to myself (and for church). But since I came home, life has gotten more hectic, and I found myself using my Sundays to catch up on homework. No more. My plan is to get everything done by Friday night. Then I’ll have Saturdays for other things, and I’ll get my Sundays back.

Goals!

2009-12-29T20:32:00.002-05:00

It’s the end of the year, which means that it’s time to reflect upon this year’s New Year’s goals. Let’s recap:

Know my limits.
Listen to my body.
Take better care of my body.
Focus on my spiritual self.
Live in the present.
Go to Florida and visit Patti, Jon, and Lila.
Get my RDT application in.
Write more.
Listen more.

So, how have I done? Well, I think I’ve been pretty good at the first two, although I do tend to get out of balance sometimes. But I recognize those times, I just don’t always know how to fix it. As for taking better care of my body, I have gotten better about that as well, although I can still do more. But I still continue to eat better than I used to. I made the switch to soy milk back in January, I no longer eat red meat unless I absolutely have to (as in there is nothing else at all available and my blood sugar is dropping and I feel nauseous), and I eat things like edamame. I also love to walk, and I did a lot of that in New York. It’s a little harder here. I feel like I focused on the spiritual aspects of my life, although I can always improve. I taught Sunday School, which was so much fun. I made it a point to read my scriptures every day (although I did miss some), and I tried to nourish my spirit. As for living in the present, I think I did a fairly good job of that this summer, at least for me. I will always contemplate what comes next, but I did a really good job of enjoying my summer. I played extremely hard and just enjoyed being in the City. I went to Florida to visit Patti and her family back in May. I had a lovely weekend with them even though I had a really bad sinus infection. I also made it back this November for a quick hour-long visit with Patti, Lila, and Evalyn. As for my RDT application, not only did I get it in, I also received my RDT! I didn’t do so well on the writing more, although I did make an effort at times. I definitely feel as though I listened more, perhaps too much. I found myself burnt out from too much listening and not enough talking.

All in all, though, I think I met my goals pretty well. I am excited to sit down and decide on my ten goals for 2010!

Possibilities

2009-12-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

I am officially no longer a New Yorker (except in my heart). We made it back late Friday night after a quick trip to pack up my stuff. I had the chance to see my friends while I was there, which was really nice. I am definitely going to miss things about the City.

Like:

Walking 30 blocks just because I can.
H & M.
Filene’s Basement.
The Strand Bookstore.
Trader Joe’s.
Stiles Market.
The Subway.
Central Park.
Free movies.
Trailer Park Lounge.

Those are just a few things. I’ll also meet all the amazing people that I met while I was there. It was such a great opportunity to be surrounded by so many talented people.

Now that I’m gone, of course, I am trying to figure out what comes next without stressing too much about it. I was thinking SLC, but now I’m thinking of applying to a grad program in Boston. Let’s be honest though—I change my ideas ALL the time. Life may change and keep me here.

I have been contemplating summer ideas. I’m a dreamer, and this keeps me happy.

Like:

Definitely going to Ireland, Scotland, and England at the end of July through the beginning of August. Mom is presenting at two conferences, so we’re planning a tour of Great Britain.
Additionally, I really, really, really want to bike Romania. I found this tour that does the castles. They give you a map, rent you a bike, cart your luggage from B & B to B & B (you can also go with a guide). But then I priced airfare tonight…yeah, it’s about $1500 just to fly to Bucharest. Ugh. And the tour costs E499 minimum. Double Ugh. So I think that’s out for now.
I’m also looking into finishing up my yoga training. I’m about 4 classes away, I think. Once I get my RYT, I can teach yoga classes in studios and gyms, which would be a nice way to bring in some extra money.

Those are the only big ideas I have. I also want a bike. A pretty, pink bike. With a bottle holder. And a basket.

Ahh, the possibilities.

Quick Update

2009-12-13T00:27:00.002-05:00

I'm finally done with everything for this school term! It has been so crazy this term with traveling, helping homeschool the kids, and trying to do two classes in ten weeks. But it's done. I couldn't have done it without my mom. She was such a help in my Research Methodology class.

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Tennessee writing this. I'm on my way to New York with Mom, Mimi, and Grandma. We're packing up my stuff and showing Grandma the City at Christmastime.

And now I'm off to bed. After I watch Taylor Lautner debate Edward vs. Jacob on SNL.

Life in Limbo

2009-11-20T21:29:00.002-05:00

Good heavens, I'm averaging a blog a month these days. So incredibly pathetic. Life has been busy since I last wrote. I spent a week on a cruise to the Bahamas, which was really nice. And school has kept me pretty busy.

I guess another reason why I haven't written is because I made some decisions, but things were still a little up in the air, so I didn't want to write until I new more. About four days after I got home, I came to the decision that I am not moving back to New York. My time in Manhattan has come to a close. I love the City, and I have loved living there, but I realized it was time to move on when I had no desire to go back. I felt it coming on before I came home "to visit" but kept avoiding making a final decision because I love New York so much, and because it has been so good for me. I realized, however, that I had done everything I had set out to accomplish and could no longer move forward there. I got my RDT, I successfully supported myself while living in New York City (a feat in and of itself), I got a life, and I got healthier.

When I first decided not to back, I felt like I needed to move to Utah at the beginning of next year, but now I'm not sure. I still want to go there, but I love being home as well. I have turned it over to the Lord: I'm sticking around in Little Rock until He tells me otherwise. When it's time to pack up and leave, I'll go. Until then, I will be here.

There have been so many reasons that I feel like I needed to come home for: the cruise and the holidays, money, a break from the City and more time with my family, and to get my mom's help with my research methodology class (since she teaches it herself). Those were the reasons I knew before I came. I've since learned at least two more. The first was that not long after I got home, my great, great aunt was hospitalized and I was able to help out with Mimi's kids and to spend a night in the hospital so Mimi could get some rest. The second is that both Mimi and Mom decided quite suddenly to pull their kids out of public school and home school them instead. I've been able to help tutor the four older kids, and have helped out with finding curriculum for all of them. It's been a crazy week (we started on Monday), but it has been kind of fun. It's definitely a challenge, though, because two of the kids have learning disabilities, one of them lacks self-esteem so he needs someone to do everything with him, and one is so eager to learn that she goes through everything I give her before I can plan something new. She got mad because we didn't have class today (they had worked really hard this week and accomplished a lot, so we took the day off and went to see New Moon!), and when I left Mimi's tonight, she was starting in on some Grammar worksheets. I took all the kids to the library today, and her fun books she picked out were all on mythology (we are doing a unit on mythology, so they were all tied to school)!

Anyway, that's where I'm at...in Little Rock...living in limbo until the next thing comes along!

A Week in the Poconos

2009-10-25T17:23:00.002-04:00

I spent a week in the Poconos with Nesha, Shaundra, Nikki, Kelly, and Mike (well, Kelly and Mike were only there for a couple of days). We rented a condo (thanks to Nesha and her family's timeshare) in this adorable resort. We spent the first day in Philadelphia, which is a beautiful city. After Church that Sunday, we went out to Hidden Lake, which you can see in the picture. It was so beautiful to be in the Poconos in the fall!

It was really fun just hanging out with the girls. We went to Aquasize in the mornings. Nesha and I did some yoga. We went shopping, we kicked some kids' trash at a scavenger hunt, we made s'mores and enjoyed a nice fire. And, we got some snow! We started the week with fall, and left with white trees!

One Down, One More to Go, and Then the First One Again

2009-10-03T23:16:00.002-04:00

I took the GRE this morning. Not as awful as an experience as I was expecting, although I did not do spectacular. I am above average, which is not too shabby considering the amount of studying I did (or rather, lack of studying). I will be retaking it again in hopes of raising my scores by at least 100 points in each section. The good news? I scored the exact same score in both the verbal and the math...so I am just as smart in each subject, or just as dumb...however you want to look at it...I suppose it's not that comforting, but it is what it is. I'll have to retake the test next month, I think, if I want my scores to get sent in time for the deadlines. Two of the schools I am considering applying to have January deadlines, but one of the schools will be determined by my Psychology score on Saturday. They require the subject test, so if I don't do well on that, I probably won't apply for it. We'll see. Crazily enough, I am actually thinking about heading back to Utah for school...it's soooooooo cheap. But we'll see. I started studying for the Psych exam tonight. I reviewed the functions of the brain and the different mood-altering drugs. I must say, I have to thank Sally Bailey for my understanding of how the brain sends messages from neuron to neuron. I have acted it out twice at two different drama therapy conferences. Thank heavens for bodily-kinesthetic learning and Sally's ability to teach using it!

What Do I Know?

2009-09-29T13:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a rough day on the GRE front. I spent some time going over the analytical material, and then moved on to math, which we all know is my cryptonite. Have no fear, percents got the better of me. I better marry someone who's good in math or my kids are screwed. Unless we can afford a tutor. Or if math skills skip a couple of generations...my papa was math guy.

After math, I figured it would be a good idea to start prepping for the Psychology exam, which is in two weeks. I took a diagnostic test to see where I'm act. I felt so incredibly incompetent through most of the exam. About halfway through the test, I began to get some material I at least recognized, and some of which I knew. That was comforting. As I scored myself, I realized that I knew some things I didn't realize I knew, or else I was good at guessing. But I have a long way to go. It didn't help when I read in the book that you should ideally have two to six months to study. I have two weeks. Oops.

Not only was I exhausted at the end of the day, I also realized that I am insane. I don't know what I was thinking. I am seriously rethinking applying this fall. I just don't know if I'll have the scores I need to get in anywhere. It's not that I'm incapable of getting high scores, it's just that I don't have the time required to get there. I will most likely be taking these tests again in six months.

I am taking today off in hopes that I can destress and get some rest. Despite receiving a blessing on Sunday (in which I was told that all of my applications won't be accepted...nice to know in advance I'm gonna fail, right?), I find myself unable to stop stressing. So I am taking a step back. I'm not doing anything today that even resembles studying. And if I feel this way tomorrow, I'm not doing anything then. Getting stressed about this is the worst thing that can happen. So I'm trying to just let it go.

It's hard because I so want to be moving forward, and I really hoped that this was a step in that direction. And it may still be. I don't know. I just want to have the opportunity to do something that I love and that I'm good at. I want to be able to use my talents. And maybe I'm trying to use them in the wrong way. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm trying to be open to the things the Lord wants me to do. And I felt like this was something I was supposed to do, as was applying to schools. But maybe I got it wrong. Maybe this is something I need to do now so that I have time to raise my scores and apply next year. Or maybe I'm not supposed to apply. But I really want to get my PhD. I have wanted this for years, and I finally figured out what I want to do it in. And I want to move forward.

I want to move forward in so many ways: professionally, educationally, spiritually, physically, and romantically. The first two seem linked together right now...I can't move forward professionally until I move forward educationally. I'm working on the spiritually part...teaching Gospel Doctrine helps. And I've been working on my lessons in case I get to teach EFY next summer. I want that so badly. So badly. But even if I don't get it, I'll have learned a lot in the process, and I guess that's what most important. Physically...uhg. I am not so good at doing yoga on my own, but I need to work on that. I try to walk in the city as much as possible. But I am not eating well right now...not so many balanced meals. And I really want to finish my yoga training, but I just can't afford to right now. And my body is not where it needs to be yoga wise to do the next level. Romantically....UHG. My lack of moving forward in this area is probably why I am so intent on moving forward professionally and educationally. It takes the focus off of it. It's frustrating. My home teacher (and 1st counselor in the Bishopric) asked me on Sunday about boys. My answer? I think I grimaced and shook my head. I'm done with guys for the moment. Self-imposed nunhood. The only guy I've liked this year was not interested. The options are limited, and I don't crush easily. I think Mom is concerned because she mentioned sending me to Utah to flirt with boys there.

Despite my impeding GRE doom, I realized yesterday that I really have done a lot in my almost 28 years. Things that I can be proud of, things that have blessed my life in various ways.

I have:

graduated high school
graduated college
gotten a Master's degree (with a 4.0 GPA, btw)
graduated from early morning Seminary
visited all 50 States by the time I was 25
gotten my RDT
made really great friends
been a really good friend
served in church through various callings, my favorites being teaching Relief Society and Gospel Doctrine
trained in yoga
taught yoga...to toddlers...that takes something
presented at drama therapy conferences
written plays
been in plays
helped break the world record for the largest custard pie fight
read a heck of a lot of books...and shared them with my friends
survived living in New York City
driven across the country alone more than once
lived by myself
lived with other people
helped people play
designed and created quilts...my BYU quilt and the Fairy Tale Quilt for Evalyn
been to Mexico, Canada (most of the provinces), France, England, and Spain
accidentally snuck into a foreign country (Spain) and been refused entry to another (Andorra) because of this
taken a lot of pictures
mastered the art of taking my own picture
helped four special little girls shine on stage with the Moscow Ballet
been there for my family when they needed me
not seriously disappointed my family (well, all but one) and my friends
survived cancer
lived a life that I am proud of

So even though I don't know what my future holds, or if I'll accomplish all the things I want to do, or move forward in the ways that I want to, I still recognize that I have done a lot, and been guided along the way. And if that's true for the past, it will be true for the future.

Put Yourself in My Shoes....

2009-09-27T10:54:00.002-04:00

Last night was the General Relief Society Broadcast. For those of you who don't know what Relief Society is, it's one of the largest women's organizations in the country and the world. It focuses on service, sisterhood, and faith. Once a year, there is a broadcast where we get to hear from the General Relief Society Presidents as well as one of the members of the First Presidency (LDS Church leaders).

Last night was the first time in a few years that I have actually gone to the meeting. Last year, Mom and Caleb were visiting, so I didn't go. But this year, I made it a priority.

I have to admit that I found myself slightly distracted in the beginning and it was for very shallow reasons. I am a visual person, and I also like to look put together. So the Relief Society Presidency's wardrobe bothered me. Yes, I know it's ridiculous, and does not matter in the eternal scheme of things. They looked nice, but they looked very Annie Camden-ish (7th Heaven). There is nothing wrong with that, but I found myself wanting to give them a makeover...put them in some nice dresses instead of the suit jackets and long skirts...if you're going to wear a suit jacket, wear a suit. And then, I found myself thinking, "When I'm on a General Board, I am not wearing a suit. I will wear nice, tasteful, pretty dresses."

I know.

For those of you who might not be LDS, you don't aspire to callings. You don't run for the board...you are chosen. And there I was saying "when." It was just kind of funny to me.

Anyway, I did pay attention to the speakers, and I wanted to share the things I took from the talks.

Julie B. Beck (President): She talked a lot about the responsibilities of the Relief Society, especially visiting teaching, but the thing that really struck me was the quote from Camilla Kimball: "Never suppress a generous thought." That's a really great quote and a motto to live your life by. How often have we thought something nice or generous about someone but failed to tell them? For all we know, it may have been something they needed to hear that day, but we didn't share it. I'm going to make an effort to follow this advice and to share my generous thoughts with those around me.

Silvia H. Allred (1st Counselor): She said that we should be more concerned with righteousness than selfishness, and that we all have a role to play in God's plan. I like this because if we are striving to fulfill our roles in God's plan, then selfishness will fly out the window and we will be more righteous.

Barbara Thompson (2nd Counselor): She talked about the importance of "Minding the Gap" in our lives. We need to Mind the Gap between believing we are daughters of God and knowing we are daughters of God. We need to accept His love, love ourselves, and love others. We also need to recognize the Lord's approval. We need to Mind the Gap between completion of the Young Women's program and becoming a full member of Relief Society. Now, it's been almost ten years since I joined Relief Society, so for me the emphasis is on becoming a full member of Relief Society. We can always do more in lives to become a full member, so what can I do? We need to Mind the Gap between believing in Christ and being valiant in the testimony of Christ. It's one thing to believe; it's another to valiant.

President Henry B. Eyring (1st Counselor, 1st Presidency): Charity is at the heart of the Relief Society. Our motto is "Charity Never Faileth." Charity is born of faith and is an effect of the Atonement working in the heart.

It was during President Eyring's talk that I repented for my criticism of the RS Presidency's dress...I looked down and noticed that I was wearing one brown boot and one black boot. Who am I to judge?

I Heart Dr. Oz

2009-09-24T17:48:00.002-04:00

Last week, Megan W. and I were able to get tickets to go to a taping of Dr. Oz. One of Megan's friend's roomates works for NBC, where the show is currently filming, as a page, and he was able to hook us up.

This is the first season of the show, and it's only been on a couple of weeks. I knew nothing about Dr. Oz except that he's been on Oprah a lot. Anyway, the set was fantastic. There is pit seating in the center, and the pit rotates so that the people sitting there are always facing Dr. Oz.

It was really interesting because the first segment was on Five Signs of Cancer Women Should Know. It got me because of my cancer history, and ovarian cancer was one of the cancers talked about. Afterwards, they brought a family battling obesity. Again, I found myself tearing up. There were other segments...the show was fun and interesting and I learned.

After leaving, I decided to start recording the show, partly because we weren't sure when our episode would air, and partly because I liked the show. I've been watching it since, and I am hooked. I love this show and I love Dr. Oz. He's personable, and knowledgeable. His shows always make me cry. Seriously, I tear up everytime I watch the show. I know he doesn't come up with everything---he has a team of people who make the show---but the stories and the people are great. And I really do learn.

Anyway, it's my new favorite thing, so I'm sharing it with you. If you haven't watched it yet, check it out. I recommend watching on Monday. That's when my episode airs...keep an eye out for me...I'm sitting by the Ask Dr. Oz section, and I'm wearing green. Megan is next me on the end of the row. And you should definitely see me at the end of the show because the Wonderful Dr. Oz (heehee) shook my hand on his way off the set.

"I Know My Calculus: It Says You + Me = Us."

2009-09-21T18:00:00.003-04:00

This morning, I tackled the pile of laundry that has been hiding out in my closet (okay, so maybe I've been throwing it in there) along with my sheets. $8.75 later, they were clean, and now they are sitting in my room waiting to be put away.

I made a library run where I picked up two movies and four more books (to add to the seven or so books on my nightstand).

I went to the grocery store, where I picked up $38 worth of food, including kettle corn and sugar free fudgesicles to get me through the next two weeks of studying.

And I began prepping for the G.R.E., which is 12 days away. Yes, I'm slightly, okay very, crazy for putting off my prep work to two weeks before the exam. I will have three weeks of prepping before the Psychology G.R.E., so that's not so bad. I'm trying not to worry too much...there is only so much I can do, and if I suck at the test, I suck at the test. I'll just take it again. Which would be expensive. Eeek.

Anyway, as I was studying, I received a confirmation that math, is indeed, not my strongsuit. You see, I grew up being told I was smart (studies today show that it is much more effective to tell your children that they are hard workers instead of telling them they are so smart). So, when things got hard, I didn't really put a lot of effort into learning them unless I really cared about it. This is the reason that I studied French for so long and am still not fluent. This is also why I have difficulties with fractions, measuring, percentages (unless I can use my tithe paying skills...I'm good at figuring out 10% or multiples of 10%--20%, 30%, etc), and word problems. I did what I had to do to get an A on my homework or test...and I skipped the rest, usually the work problems. I still managed to ace my math classes, including AP Calculus...of course, I had Britney the math genius to help me study, and I am really good at remembering formulas long enough to take the test and then expelling them from my mind soon afterwards.

As I practiced today, I did fairly well on analogies, kicked some grammar butt, and passed basic arithmetic. It was the algebra and the geometry and the percentages and the fractions that did me in. It's been so long since I've used formulas and I use a calculator for almost everything, so trying to do this stuff from memory on scratch paper was not so easy and very time consuming. Mom thinks I can use a calculator on the G.R.E., but I'll have to check to make sure. I don't even have a decent calculator out here. They are all packed away in Arkansas.

I requested some G.R.E. prep materials from the library: G.R.E. Math, G.R.E. Crash Course, and G.R.E. Psychology. Hopefully those will help me in the next few weeks as I cram knowledge back into my head. I'm not even going to get started on the craziness I am experiencing in relation to the schools I'm applying to. I'll save that for another day.

Catching Up....

2009-09-19T20:20:00.003-04:00

I tend to blog in spurts. I have every intention of writing regularly and then life gets crazy and it's the first thing that goes.

When I last wrote, I was getting ready to head home for a few weeks. My visit home was nice. I got to see my Grandma, whom I haven't seen in two years, as well as my Nana and my Dad, whom I hadn't seen since October. I saw the kids at Christmas, and Mom and Mimi in July. We spent a week at the beach in Alabama and in Florida, and that was fun. My trip was way too short.

I returned to Manhattan to finish my school term and to look for a job. It turned out to be very stressful. I applied to so many jobs: some I was overqualified for, some I was underqualified for, some I didn't even want. I heard back from one and had an actual interview, but didn't get it. It was stressful because I knew I needed a job because I need the money, but I didn't feel ready to go back to work---I'm still quite burnt out from my last job. I was upset about this lack of congruence. I felt lazy, and yet, inside, I knew that I couldn't work full-time, I couldn't work as a nanny, and I didn't want to be tied down by a schedule...again, I sound lazy and irresponsible. Most importantly, I knew that I could not work in an office---it would kill my soul. Dramatic, I know. But I'm serious when I say that.

It's also been frustrating because I applied for a part-time drama therapy job that I am more than qualified for, but they wouldn't interview me because I don't qualify for the LCAT, even though the hours worked there wouldn't go towards the LCAT anyway. I understood it, but it was even more frustrating when, a few weeks later, I was job searching online and came across a posting for the same job...it had a new deadline. It hadn't been filled from the first deadline, when I applied. It's frustrating to know that you can do a job, but to have a technicality in the way. One of my friends asked me what it would take to get the LCAT...for me, I'd have to have all of my Psych classes at a grad level (not hard to do), and then I'd have to get the hours in. But I'd rather focus my time and energy on a PhD instead. I'm a little disenchanted with the world of drama therapy at the moment. I still believe in it, and want to use it, but I'm frustrated by the lack of opportunity to use it the way that I want to and the way that I know I can. I'm not going to the conference this year. I decided to go home instead.

A couple of weeks ago, while taking some time for myself, I had the thought that I should go home for November and December. My family is going on a cruise in November, and then a week and a half later it's Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas three weeks later, and New Year's. I wanted to be home for the holidays, and it didn't make sense to fly back and forth. I decided to sublet my room for those two months, and luckily, I had a friend who was looking for a place. It was a relief. I don't know why, but I need to go home. Maybe it's just to recharge (I desperately need that still), maybe it's just because it's the holidays. Whatever the reason, it was a relief for monetary reasons and for my sanity---my gut was right. My gut was telling me that a job was not right for the time being, but that's crazy, so I doubted my gut. But I was right.

I finished my second term of classes. Thank goodness. I really hated the classes I was taking. Next term probably won't be much better. I start Oct. 5. Two days after I take the G.R.E. While I was home, I got the feeling that I needed to take it. I'm taking the Psychology Subject G.R.E. the following week. And I'm applying to PhD programs in Clinical Psychology this fall. If I'm accepted, I'll begin next fall, and I won't finish the second Master's program. I always figured I'd get my PhD, I just didn't know what it would be in. I went back and forth between Theatre for Young Audiences and something along the Psychology spectrum. I finally decided on Clinical Psych. I want to be a licensed Clinical Psychologist. So, crazy as I am, I'm moving forward with it. Now that classes are done for a few weeks, I'm going to focus on preparing for the two G.R.E.s and on my applications.

I am also applying to be an EFY (Especially For Youth) teacher. It's a week long summer program for youth that is held all over the country. I love teaching, and I love EFY, so hopefully it will work out.

This past week, I came to the decision that I would do my best to enjoy my unemployment while I can. Megan, Jamie, and I hit up Live With Regis and Kelly on Tuesday. On Wednesday, Megan and I went to the taping of Dr. Oz. And on Thursday morning, the three of us helped set a world record for the largest custard pie fight on Regis and Kelly. That was a lot of fun. Megan and I also went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Tuesday. And I've been reading fun books. I reread the Twilight series, and I just finished City of Bones, which is the first in a series. And I've been watching movies, taking walks, and I even did some yoga tonight.

I am ready to go home, though. I spoke with Mom briefly last night, and I could hear my family in the background. I miss them all, and I look forward to spending time with them.

I'm also really wanting to be settled. I'm feeling it. I want my own place (which I soooo can't afford in the City), and I want my things. I want a normal bedroom. I want an office. I don't want to feel like I live in a dorm. What I really want (but sooo can't have) is to buy the brownstone across the street and renovate it. I know, I know, I'm a dreamer. But it's nice to have a dream, even if there is no way to get it.

I guess I'm mostly just ready to move forward with my life. I experience this feeling quite frequently. I want to move forward professionally, educationally, and personally. And it's frustrating because I don't feel like I really am. I know I am, it just doesn't feel like it. And all I can do is be patient.

12 Steps to...Forgiveness

2009-08-04T12:17:00.002-04:00

I attended an A. A. meeting yesterday as a requirement for the Mental Health Counseling course I am currently taking. We have to attend an addictions self-help group and then write about the experience and how it is different from a group counseling session. I really wanted to go to an Overeaters Anonymous group or something similar but I couldn't find one. So I settled for an A. A. meeting instead since meetings are held regularly.

I attended an open discussion group (not all meetings are open to the public) last night. I was fairly anxious about going because I had no idea what to expect. My only info on A. A. came from movies and television. I felt like I did the time I had to attend Catholic Mass for one of my religion classes. I was a Mormon girl walking into a Catholic church and I was afraid of completely sticking out. Patti went with me which helped. This time around I was a girl who has never tasted alcohol, nor ever had a desire to, going into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. What if I had to introduce myself? What would I say? "Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm not an alcoholic. No, really, I'm not." And this time I didn't have a friend.

I entered the meeting and sat off to the side. The meeting began, the preamble was read, the speaker was introduced, and the stories began. He shared his struggles with alcohol and his rock bottom. We had a break and then members responded to the speaker, sharing stories of their own. Members also shared their days and years of sobriety. Some were sober as few as 11 days, some as long as 16 years.

I struggled the entire meeting. I constantly had to redirect my wandering mind back to the speakers. I found myself worrying that they would think I was one of them, like it was an awful thing to be a recovering alcoholic. I found myself judging them: her hair is stringy, that's a lot of tattoos, he doesn't look like he'd be an alcoholic. I didn't speak to anyone during the break or after the meeting. As soon as the meeting closed, I grabbed my purse and got out of there. I felt drained, frustrated, guilty, sad, and underneath, I'm sure, angry.

Throughout the meeting, I recognized my thoughts and feelings. I reminded myself that these people were doing a wonderful thing by being there. They were trying to change their lives. For an alcoholic to go a day, or even hours, without a drink is an amazing thing. I reminded myself that it didn't matter what they looked like or how they spoke. All that mattered was what they were trying to be: sober. I reminded myself of the Spirit I felt when the meeting started, confirmation that the Lord saw this meeting as a wonderful thing, and that He loved each and every person there and wanted them to be successful.

While I believed everything I told myself, it did not change my feelings. I have no empathy, no sympathy even, for addicts or recovering addicts/alcoholics. It's funny because eating disorders are addictions, and I can empathize with people who have them, despite not ever having one. But I cannot understand alcoholics and addicts. I'm not there yet. And as much as I want to, I have tyet to fully forgive my two uncles and their spouses (well, one is a former spouse and one is a spouse in name only) for their addictions and the pain it has caused their children and the rest of my family. That is why I left sad, frustrated, guilty, and angry. Because I can't look at them, even the ones who are trying to or who have already changed their lives, and say I understand, and I love you anyway. I'm not there, and I don't know when I will be. What kind of person does that make me?

It's funny now that I think about it. I'm more like the people in that room than I thought. We're all looking for the same thing: forgiveness.

Montserrat (Friday)

2009-07-21T21:21:00.014-04:00

Today we hopped on a train and went to Montserrat. It's a crazy mountain (not peaked, not rounded) with a monestary on top. Once you get there, you have to take an air tram up to the top. Let's just say my legs were shaking by the time we reached the top! But it was absolutely beautiful. We got to see the Black Mary statue inside the cathedral. I want to go back and actual walk some of the trails to the other items of interest, and maybe even walk back down the mountain. One day, perhaps. That was all we did today.

Thank Goodness for Nutella(Thursday)

2009-07-21T21:14:00.003-04:00

Today, I woke up in Barcelona. Of course it was about noon. We were all just soooo tired. Mimi stayed in the room all day. I think she got too much sun yesterday. Mom, Sri, and I headed out for a late lunch and to find the University where they are presenting on Saturday.

As we passed restaurants, we would look at the menu. NOTHING sounded good to me. I am so sick of food right now. We finally found a place, and Mom asked if I wanted to go in. "No." But we went in anyway. I ordered water and watched as they ate their three course meal (traditional lunch). I did find it in me to order some cheesecake though. It was the only thing I could stomach. Everything here is just so greasy and heavy (this from the girl with the french fry addiction). The only things that sound good are pastries and desserts...not so healthy.

After we ate, we attempted to find the University. It took a while, but after an hour, we finally made it. They got checked in, and then we headed back to the hotel. Of course, we got sidetracked on the way by the shoestore. Mom picked up some gladiator sandals (all the rage in Europe, pretty popular in New York, and non-existent in Little Rock). We also found a clothing store where Mom got a shirt, I found a pair of gladiators, and we both got some jewelry.

Next to our hotel is a grocery store. HEAVEN!!!! I picked up some drinks, fruit, bread, chips, and Nutella. We go to check out, and they tell us we have to go back and weigh our fruit. Really? I thought that's what checkers are for. Whatever. It was an ORDEAL trying to weigh and price our fruit, but we managed to get it done. Then we headed back to the hotel where I had the best meal of the entire trip: Nutella on bread, fruit, water, and Pringles.

Holy Toledo! (Wednesday)

2009-07-09T17:38:00.006-04:00

Today, we took the train to Toledo. It's the brownest city I've ever seen! It's because the Arabs inhabited the city for a really long time. We took a panoramic tour of the city, so I got some great pics. In the city, we saw a group of Elders and two Sister missionaries to whom we loudly greeted with an "Hola Elders! Hola Sisters!" We love to see the missionaries, and they all looked American, so we knew we could speak our Spanglish to them.

We shopped a little along the narrow streets of Toledo. I bought a bracelet, and Sri bought some jewelry for her daughters-in-law. We ate at a little restaurant where we ordered pasta--I know, right! Pasta in Espagna. But it was good, and fairly light. Food has been a struggle for all of us, especially for me. All of the tapas just look so heavy! And the shrimp have whiskers! Gross. Mom and Mimi have had paella, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't like rice.

Anyway, after lunch, we walked to the Catedral. It's gorgeous. We didn't go in, but we did buy sun hats! It was incredibly hot in Toledo!

We shopped a little more, and I found a cute shirt for 6 Euros. Then we caught the city bus back to the train station and headed back to Madrid.

We grabbed a quick dinner of pizza (ick) before heading back to the hotel to pick up our luggage and say farewell to Antonio. Then it was back to the train station to catch our fast train to Barcelona. We thought our train left at 9 p.m. but it turns out it left at 8:30. We got through security at 8:20. Oops! But we made the train and settled in for the three hour trip. At one point, we went as fast as 304 km/hour (not sure of the conversion there, but it was pretty dang fast).

We got to Barcelona about 11:30. As we were in the lobby of the station trying to figure out where to go, Mimi noticed some guys passing a signal to snatch our bags or pick pocket us. It was so nice of them to welcome us to Barcelona.

We headed to the taxis clutching our purses close to us and casting angry stares towards the guy who was supposed to rob us. We managed to fit in one cab with our luggage (we had to take two taxis in Madrid), but it was tight. There was a space for luggage wher ethe front passenger seat should be. Then he put luggage in the back with us. There was a bench for three people and then two seats that fold down to face the bench. Mimi pulled down the far seat for me to sit on, but when I sat down, he yelled at me to move. So, I did. Then I got out so Mom could ge in, and I sat on the other fold down seat. He shoved the remaining bags and then yelled at me for hte address of the hotel, which I didn't have. Mom pulled it out and gave it to him and we were off. At the hotel, he tacked on 8 Euros to the fare for our luggage.

Driver: Spanish, spanish, spanish, supplemento!
Us: What?
Driver: Supplemento! (He hits the bags in front).
Me: He's charging us for our bags. Instead of six, it's fourteen.
Sri: Will you take ten?
Driver gets out, opens door, and then turns to me and yells: Spanish, spanish, spanish, supplemento! (he hits the bags by me).
Me: We understand. Supplemento. But we think it's loco! (and I raised my finger and did the universal sign for crazy).

He didn't like that. What made it even funnier was that people were walking by when I did it and they started laughing. Anyway, we paid him and checked into the hotel. Mimi and I found three English channels and CNBC Europe was playing Conan O'Brian. Not a huge Conan fan, but it wasn't the news, which was nice for a change.

Tour de Madrid (Tuesday)

2009-07-09T16:16:00.007-04:00

This morning we had the closest thing to a real breakfast that we can have in Spain. We went to the Cafe & Te, adn they made us eggs. We (well Sri) talked them into toasting our bread, so we had a toasted mini-baguette as well.

After breakfast, we hopped on the Madrid Vision, which is the city's tour bus. They had headphones you could plug in so you could hear the narration in your own language. As we were sitting at a stoplight on a side street, I looked down and saw a fruit shop. Now, I have been longing for fruit. So, I was staring at the bananas, apples, and oranges, lusting after them, if you will, and then I noticed a man in the shop smiling at me. He thought I was checking him out! So, I smile a polite smile and turned my attention forward. And then I died laughing!

We saw soooo much on our tour (and we saw the same things a lot because the two lines of the tour crossed some of the same areas). We saw the Palais Real, which has 2800 rooms and is no longer used by the Royal Family, except for state functions. We got off at the Prado Museum, where we saw El Greco, Goya, and Titian. My favorite was Titian's portrait of Isabella of Portugal. He never saw her in person. He painted her portrait at the request of her husband, the King. He used other artists' representations of her to create his. It's gorgeous.

That night, after some siestas, we hopped back on the bus and went to the Plaza Mayor for dinner. It was probably ten p.m. by the time we ate dinner (Antonio would be so proud!).

We went to a restaurant called Eboli. I know, right! We all ordered cheese sandwiches and an order of patatos fritas. We got a half baguette type of bread and four triangles of hard, Spanish cheese--not melted. They sent theirs back and ordered pizza, but I ate mine. That was some good cheese. Yummmmm.

Avila y Segovia (Monday)

2009-07-09T14:40:00.006-04:00

Today we got up early to take a tour to Avila and Segovia. We were hoping to grab some breakfast from McDonalds, but apparently breakfast is not so big here--Mickey D's doesn't open until 10:30. So we made due with croissants from Le Pain Quotidien.

The bus ride to Avila was about an hour and a half. We laughed because the buses look like bulls (those are rear view mirrors).

Avila is completely surrounded by a wall built in the 12th century. It's absolutely beautiful. Our guide walked us through the city.

It's the birthplace of Saint Teresa--so we saw the cathedral that was built where she was born. In the spot that was her parents' bedroom, and thus the room she was born in, there is a shrine to her. They also have her finger. You see, when she died in another city, Avila wanted her body buried in their city because she was born there, so the other city cut off her arm and Avila got her body. They only had her for about six weeks, I think, before it was decided that she should be buried in teh city where she died. So, the other city got her body back, but Avila kept her finger as a relic. It's on display with a ring on it. We weren't allowed to take pictures. I know. You're sad about that. But trust me, it was gross!

We saw another cathedral before St. Teresa's. As we entered the first cathedral, our guide guided us to the front pew on the rigth side while everyone else sat on the left side. She went through her spiel in Spanish and then turned to the four of us. Her voice lowered, and she began to explain in English. It was then that I finally realized that we were the only four people on the tour who couldn't speak Spanish!

After Avila, we drove about an hour to Segovia. We were detoured a bit because of a bike race, but we finally made it into the city. It was a festival day--they were celebrating St. Peter. We had about an hour and a half for lunch, so we found a sidewalk restaurant that had something we recognized--hamburgesas. Mimi got hers with everything I managed to order mine with only cheese. Then it was Mom's turn.

Mom: Um...hamburgesa.
Waiter: Hamburgesa normale?
Mom: Yes. Um...no on-yons, no let-tuce. Just to-mah-toes and queso.

She was under the impression that if you speak English with a Spanish accent they will understand better than if you just speak ENglish with an American accent. She ended up with a bun, tomatoes, and cheese. No hamburgesa. He wasn't too happy when she sent it back. Of course, after tasting the hamburgesas, we would have been better off without the meat. They like to cook their beef medium rare. It was disgusting. I managed three bites and then just ate my fries and the sesame seeds off of my bun. None of us will touch another burger in Spain.

After lunch, we saw the Aqueduct, which dates back to the Romans.

Then we walked through the city to see the Cathedral. We ended up at the Palais Real in Segovia. It was gorgeous inside and out, as was the view.

We got back into Madrid about six-thirty or so. Mimi and I grabbed fruit & yogurt and chicken nuggets from McD's and headed back to the room to veg. We were exhausted. The only thing we can get in English in our room is BBC News. I was tired of hearing about Michael Jackson so I popped out my iPhone and read Twilight and listened to music. Mom and Sri did a little shopping before coming back to hte hotel. They stopped to talk to Antonio at the front desk to aks about the train to Barcelona on Wednesday. He told them that Madrid was going to be crowded in the next couple of days.

Mom & Sri: Why?
Antonio: There's a festival. And a parade.
Mom & Sri: Oh, what's the celebration?
Antonio: Mmm...It ees the Love Festival, with the love parade.
Mom: The Love Festival?
Antonio: It ees...the Love Festival is for the gays.
Mom: Oh, okay!

Apparently about a million people come to Madrid every year for the Gay Pride Parade. It was just funny because he was trying to explain in English, while also being tactful.

Later that night, after Mom and Sri got back from dinner, the phone rang in my room.

Me: Hola.
Caller: (long pause)Um...Sarah?

It was Mom. Apparently, my "hola" threw her for a loop. She said it didn't sound like me. Of course, Mimi and I found that Ha-larious!

Tight Butt+Dance Shoes+Ruffles=Flamenco Dancing (Sunday in Spain)

2009-07-05T15:00:00.003-04:00

Mimi's luggage came today, but mine and Mom's didn't make it. Mom's friend and colleage, Sri, got in about 1:30. We headed out to get some lunch (panini y queso por me), and then we walked down the main road in searh of the Museo de Prado. We saw some gorgeous buildings along our walk.

At the Prado, Mimi and I were drawn to an artist seling his work on the street. I'm a sucker for bright colors. This artist was a Jewish immigrant from Israel who loved Spain so much he decided to stay. He uses acryllics on canvas. My painting represents family love. We al got one. We decided to save the museum (there are about 52 museums in Madrid) for Tuesday. So, we headed back to the hotel to rest before we went to a Flamenco show.

Our nice hotel guy, Antonio, made us reservations for a Flamenco show and dinner. He told us it opened at nine and the show started at nine-thirty! It would end at about two in the morning! Well, we left at a little after nine and weren't entirely sure how long it would take us to get there or exactly where it was, so we hailed a taxi. We hopped in, and I handed him the brochure with the address.

Driver: That's just down there (points).

Us: That's okay (we have no idea where "down there" is).

He drives us a block and a half.

The fare is 2,30 Euros. I'm fishing through coins trying to come up with exact cange, but no luck. I find a $2 E coin and a 50 cent coin, which I place in his outstretched hand. He glances at it and leaves his hand out. Turns out I gave him 1 E total. Oops. Usually, I'm really good with money, but I grabbed the wrong coin! Slighly embarrassing, but whatever. I paid him and we went to the show.

The show was great! Lots of fun. The food wasn't fantastic, especially for what we paid, but the show was fun. We left a little after midnight and walked home.

I tried to upload a video of the Flamenco dancer but it's taking forever! So, I'll leave you with my impression of the Flamenco dancers.

Hola from Madrid!

2009-06-28T03:57:00.011-04:00

Mom, Mimi, and I set out Friday night (it's Sunday morning here), June 26, for Madrid. Our plane left about an hour and a half late because there were 25 planes ahead of us that had been delayed because of the storm. The flight was fine, but we missed our connecting plane in London. We were rebooked on another airline. When we got the airport, we followed the exit signs to get our luggage. And we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And no luggage.

It's supposed to be here about noon today. Luckily, I packed a change of clothes.

At the airport, we ran into my friend, John Wiethorn, who is studying abroad for a month in Spain. As we were talking to him, we realized that we had never passed through customs! We went back to the exit and asked one of the airport workers about it, but she said that if we didn't go through it, then don't worry about it. So we caught a taxi to our hotel in downtown Madrid. It's on a really cute side street off the main road. Our landmark off the main street is a KFC.

We checked into the hotel, which has a suit of armor in the lobby.

We threw our carry on's in our rooms, but had a difficult time getting the lights to turn on. Mimi kept pushing buttons, and even turned the breaker on and off. Then I noticed that there is a thing on the wall that looks just like the key swipe on the door, so I put the key in and the lights came on. Of course, I took the key back out, and a few minutes later the lights went back off. Apparently, you have to keep the key in. (Mom didn't realize this last part, so last night she plugged in her computer and phone to charge and then went to bed, pulling the key out to turn off the lights. She woke up this morning and the laptop was dead and the phone wasn't charging. So she put the key in and left all the lights on. Apparently, the key controls ALL electricity.)

After we figured out the lights and dropped our stuff, we headed back down to find something to eat for dinner..it was about 6:30 here, so it was lunchtime for us. The guy at the desk told us that nothing would be open really. Apparently restaurants don't open until 8:30. No one shows up until 9:00. Except on the weekends, no one shows up until 11:00. Then they party until 7:00 a.m.

Me: So what do your old people do? Ours eat dinner at like 4:30.

Him: 4:30? No, no, no. You in Spain, you have to get with Spain.

I don't think he understood that I was talking about the old people. Apparently my humor does not work internationally.

He directed us to a place down the street that would be open, so we went and had a very Americanized dinner. None us speak any Spanish (except for Gracias, Por Favor, and Queso), so we just pointed at the pictures of the food we wanted.

After dinner, we bought deoderant, because let me tell you, after a day and a half of traveling, we smelled just a bit. I know we're in Europe, but I could not go another day without deoderant, even if I was clean.

We all went to bed fairly early. I was asleep by 8:30...which meant I woke up at 3:00 this morning. I watched BBC News for a bit (who knew that Sicily had such problems with the mafia?) and then dozed some more. Mom woke me up at 9:00 to go down to breakfast. We paid $10 Euros each for a continental breakfast. Never again. We'll go to McDonalds tomorrow.

Anyway, we are hanging out in the hotel room waiting for our luggage to get here.

The Escapes of Sarabacon

2009-06-22T10:00:00.004-04:00

Yeah, so it's been a REALLY long time. Life has been crazy. I finished work. I finished my first term of school. I went to D.C. for a weekend. I went to Florida and Georgia for a weekend. I went to New Haven for a day. My mom came to visit and we shopped and shopped and shopped AND saw 9-5 and Reasons to be Pretty on Broadway. Not in that order, but whatever.

Instead of catching up on all of those things (because is would just take way too long), I have decided to share my "future" instead. On the last day of work, Pam and my oldies presented me with a story they wrote about me. It's quite entertaining! Enjoy!

The Escapades of Sarabacon

Sarahbacon, But Don't Fry Her

by The Coffee Klotchers

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Sarabacon. Sarabacon belonged in the movies. She was very talented and loved to sing and dance. She was also gorgeous, and had large, beautiful eyes, lovely teeth, a little nose, and a cute accent. On top of that, she was very clever, pleasant to talk to, and to confide in. She was so clever that she joined the Menorah Coffee Klotchers group, not knowing how demanding they would be. She was so clever she used her mind to entertain the people. The only problem with Sarabacon was that when she played Blackjack, she cheated--but always in the residents' favor. She was very dedicated!

After about a year, it came time for Sarabacon to change her life. She told her friends as Menorah, and they said, "why are you leaving us? We'll miss you! You were very special and good to us." Sarabacon was sad to say goodbye to her friends, but she had many things to do to change her life. Her first two priorities were to travel all over the world, and to find a husband. She traveled to Italy, Spain, Honolulu, Atlantic City, and even lived in an igloo in Antarctica. She was so beautiful, that she found her first husband in Sicily, her second husband in Spain, and her third husband in the igloo in Antarctica. Then, Sarabacon had a child, but she didn't know who the father was. So, she went to the supermarket to drop off the baby in a shopping cart. Little did she know that her first husband worked at the supermarket! While he was taking out the frozen foods, he saw something moving. Lo and behold, it was the baby! The other two husbands found out and traveled far and wide to find the baby. They confronted Sarabacon, but she said, "I'm sorry, I have no idea who's the father." She left them to go and see the Broadway production of Brigadoon. While she was sitting in the audience, a producer noticed her shiny teeth and gave her a part in a commercial for toothpaste. The producer liked her looks so much, he cast her as a hula-dancing Scarlett O'Hara in the visionary remake of Gone With the Wind. Her dreams were realized at last! She won an Oscar, and met a man named Oscar, who became her fourth husband. But she never forgot her friends at Menorah, and she even thanked them in her Oscar acceptance speech. And she lived happily ever after!

For the Love!

2009-04-24T22:27:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a month since I last posted! And what a post to leave sitting on your blog for that long. Sorry.

I have been super crazy with school and work. It was Passover, which makes life cuh-razy, and at the same time, classes started. Passover lasted almost two weeks, and then the State showed up at work to survey us. I'm reading a minimum of 120 pages a week, but it's usually more because I have to read articles, too. And them I'm writing three to four mini-papers a week. And of course, my days off have been super busy so far.

The weekend before school started was General Conference, and I didn't do anything else productive (except write that massive blog).

The next weekend Shan was here, and I met her and Megs for lunch. And of course, the next day, Lynette and I HAD to go see Hannah Montana the Movie (it was half off at the Harlem theatre). I must say, I cried a little. Then I had to teach Sunday School that Sunday, and it was Easter, which meant an Easter dinner with Lynette, Megan, and Nikki. Afterward, Lynette and I went to the Easter Concert at Lincoln Square...we were 40 minutes late! We walked in with about five other girls from our ward. Of course, the only available seats were on the other side of the chapel, in the front. I led the group across the front of the chapel in between songs, and we looked appropriately shamed ducking our heads (I was operating under the 5 year old belief that if I can't see them, they can't see me...it didn't work).

The next weekend (last weekend), Kati came out, and I went to dinner with her and her husband Billy. We went to Ellen's Stardust Diner, and they treated me, which was super nice. I even got a milkshake! I also spent that day with Megan and Nikki shopping for an outfit for Megan's 70's themed birthday party the next night. We hit a really cute thrift store, the Salvation Army, and a costume store. All the costumes were skanky. We finally found something at Forever 21 (I know, right?). The next day (Saturday), Nikki and I helped clean the church building, and then the group headed up to The Cloisters for a scavenger hunt, which was a lot of fun. Then Nikki and I headed back to lay out on the roof with Megan (it was a gorgeous day) before Megan's party that night.

The party was on the roof, and it was so much fun! We dressed up, we danced, we ate 70's themed food.

Which brings me to this week. It's been busy because of school. Mom is coming out next week to walk in the Revlon Women's Cancer Walk with me (we're walking with the Ovarian Cancer team), so I have to get ahead with my assignments because I don't know how much studying I'll actually get done while she's here. I'm very excited that she's coming, especially since I was going to walk by myself (with all those other people, that is). Now I have someone to walk with, and who better than my mom?

It's also been a crazy few weeks because in the midst of all the stress and all of the fun, I've still been dealing with the sadness that came out of the drama therapy conference and the workshop with Alba Emoting a few weeks ago. Because I didn't let myself feel the sadness before, I've been trying to welcome it as it comes. I try not to dwell on it, but at the same time, I allow myself to feel it when it does come. Which means I've kind of been all over the place this past month. Some days I'm sad, somedays I'm totally fine. If I didn't know why I was this way, I'd probably be worried. But I know all the reasons I'm sad (and I've spelled them out in an earlier post, so I won't do it again now). I've just tried to do the things that make me happy. I spend time with friends, I go out to eat, I read, I watch t.v. and movies, I walk every chance I get, I do yoga, I've played with a cat, I attempted to go to the temple (I actually went to do baptisms with the ward...there were six of us girls...and no priesthood...so we couldn't do baptisms, but I still think we get the blessings!), I go to parties, I dance, I lay out on the roof, I take long baths. But I also let myself cry when I need to.

Anyway, it's been a cuh-razy month. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Central Park Zoo to help Megan continue celebrating her birthday. It's going to be a GORGEOUS day, and I'm super excited. I'm teaching this Sunday, which I love to do. I've really enjoyed my new calling. I love teaching, and I enjoy teaching Sunday School more than I thought I would. We've had fun in my classes. The first time I taught, it was on The Gathering of Israel, and I had 14 people stand up as the various members of the tribes so I could demonstrate the scattering. It was really fun. And two Sundays ago we talked about the Law of Consecration, and I used candy to explain it. Everyone got candy when they came in, but everyone got different amounts. Then I asked everyone to consecrate their candy so that it could be distributed according to their needs (but I didn't force them...some people ate theirs or didn't consecrate). Then, each person got one piece of candy. Throughout the rest of the lesson, as people commented, read scriptures, or answered questions, they got a piece of candy each time. At the end, those that had received an increase had the opportunity to consecrate their surplus so that everyone else could receive more candy as well. It was so fun! And people learned, and participated. It was great! This week's lesson is on the Sabbath. I'm looking forward to it. It'll definitely be different than the past two lessons. More focus on reverence.

Okay, well, I need to go plan for that class. But just because I love you all (the five people that read this regularly...and the rest who come sporadically), I'm going to leave you with a little picture of fun...it comes from the 70s party. Enjoy!

It's Hard to be a Mormon Girl...

2009-04-05T22:25:00.002-04:00

I love being Mormon. I love the Gospel and the Savior and the things I know to be true. But sometimes it's just difficult to be Mormon, specifically a Mormon girl.

I don't talk about it a lot because I don't like to dwell on it...I prefer to think positively. But it is really trying at times to be a 27 year old single Mormon girl.

All but one of my friends from college are married, and most of them have kids. I'm completely happy for them all, and while I am happy with my life and the person I've become, I still long for what they have.

And it's frustrating because it feels like its getting harder and harder each day to get that. I've been talking with my friends and I'm not the only one who gets frustrated.

Our culture is one that strongly advocates marriage. It's not the norm in the culture to be single at my age, yet there are increasing numbers of single women in the church. There are a lot of reasons for this...lack of opportunity, desire to wait, not being ready, etc. At this point in our lives, I think both the guys and the girls have their own sets of issues. We all want to get married (or at least we all say we do), yet there is still a large number of people who don't date.

So what's the problem?

Problem number one: there are usually way more girls than guys in a ward.
Problem number two: there are quite often a large number of guys who are in relationships (usually with girls from other wards)
Problem number three: then you have to take out the gay guys. And yes, they are there.
Problem number four: there is always the token awkward guy who asks every girl out but whom nobody wants to date.
Problem number five: the rest of the guys aren't asking much.

To be fair, girls do their share of turning guys down I guess. I know I'm picky, although I try not to turn anyone down for a first date unless I get a bad feeling about it (and I have). But I'm not looking for a Ken doll. I am just looking for someone who I click with. And I guess, maybe they are, too.

I just look at all of the single women I know...most are here in New York, but some are in Utah...and I think, wow, they are amazing women. They're beautiful, intelligent, fun, spiritual women. Why are they not getting asked out?

Sometimes I feel like the guys are looking for Mormon Barbie...perfect hair, ridiculously large boobs, permanent heel feet, and she cooks, cleans, and sews! If they exist, those girls have already been taken. But sometimes I feel that explanation is just a cop-out to make us girls feel better...kind of like when my mom tells me guys don't ask me out because they're intimidated.

Attraction continues to confuse me. I don't understand how it works. It's so rare for me to find a guy I'm attracted to who likes me back. And even then, things don't always happen. Usually, it's unrequited for one of us.

The struggle for me is that anyone of us girls could have a boyfriend right now...if we were willing to look outside the Church. It wouldn't be hard. It sucks to know that. Because we also know that that is not what we want. We want to marry in the Temple, and that takes a faithful, righteous, LDS man. And so we wait. And wait. And wait...sometimes forever, or so it seems.

It seems like all we do is wait. Wait for attraction to hit. Wait for him to ask us out. Wait for him to call. Wait for something to happen. And at the same time, we can't wait. We throw ourselves into work, or school, or just having fun with our friends. We live our lives moving forward but simultaneously standing still. We watch and wait as our friends and loved ones move forward in the areas we want to.

And we doubt. We doubt whether it will happen for us. We doubt ourselves. And at the same time, we know who we are. We have faith in who we are. We are daughters of God. We are princesses. That makes us worthy.

We continue to speak in "when's" instead of "if's." We continue to allow ourselves to hope...for love, for marriage, for a chance to fulfill our potential as parents in this life...knowing that if we don't get it here, and if we remain worthy, we will get it in the next life.

We wait, and yet we refuse to wait. We refuse to dwell on it, while at the same time we privately dwell on it. We continue to talk about what we want, we throw it out to God and the Universe, hoping it will happen. We go through spurts of caring, of getting our hopes up when we connect with someone...and then life returns to normal and we swear off guys and dating for a bit. The loneliness returns...and with that comes a renewed and tentative hope.

It's hard to be a Mormon girl because we know exactly what we are worth, we know exactly what we deserve, and we continually don't get it.

We are daughters of God. We are beautiful, spiritual, intelligent, talented, fun, creative women. We deserve to be pursued. And yet, we aren't. At least not by the guys who are supposed to pursue us.

Now, I recognize that girls have a responsibility. It's not all on the guys. Yes, it's their job to ask us out, but yes, by this point, they are probably fairly anxious about it. We've hurt them, we've embarrassed them, we've emasculated them in some form or fashion. We've all been hurt, we all have our issues. But the men are the ones who are told to pursue us...they're the ones who have been told it's their responsibility. I feel that there is only so much that women can do here, especially in this culture...we can say yes, we can encourage, we can show interest. But that's it...short of flat out saying, "I like you." And trust me on that one, it doesn't always end well!

Is it fear that keeps them from asking us out? Is it laziness? Is it a lack of caring? Or is it just a lack of interest in us? But while I don't expect every guy to be interested in me, they should certainly be interested in someone, right? There are way more options for them. Maybe they're just as picky as me? Maybe we're all too picky?

I don't feel that the things I am looking for are all that unreasonable...Besides being a token temple recommend holder, I want someone who I can talk to, someone who is my friend, someone who makes me laugh, who I can talk about anything with from the spiritual to the completely stupid, someone who can play, someone who loves the Gospel and wants to serve the Church, someone who is kind, and for me, someone who can, sadly, handle all the chaos that comes with my life. Yes, there needs to be a chemistry, a physical attraction, but part of that comes from a spiritual connection as well. Girls really do factor in personality over looks. I know lots of guys who have a lot of those qualities I listed, and a few who have them all (I've crushed on them all, dated some), but the chemistry thing is the hardest. Sometimes, even with all of the qualities, there is just no chemistry. There's nothing to be done there.

I listed all the problems, but I don't have any solutions. I don't have any answers. That's why I wrote this whole long thing. I'm just processing. This has all been in my head for the past few days, and I just had to get it out.

It's just discouraging at times, that's all. I have worked really hard to have a healthy self-esteem because I've had someone tell me I'm not good enough. But I know that I am. I am beautiful, intelligent, fun, playful, creative, caring, talented, and I am good enough. It's hard sometimes to remember that when you don't have someone of the opposite sex there to confirm it. It's hard sometimes to have hope. I have old men tell me that if they were younger, they would have scooped me up years ago. I've had other men tell me they wished they had a son my age for me to marry. I have women tell me I'm beautiful, I'm pretty, why aren't I married? My only answer is that I haven't found someone to ask me yet. At 27, my future spouse is no longer "on a mission."

It's hard to be a Mormon girl...but I guess, even on the worst days, it's still worth it. I know what I want, I know what's important, and I won't settle for less. I've seen what that's like, and I don't want it. Not when I know what I could have. So, for now, I'll continue to try to have hope that one day there will be one guy who I click with, who clicks with me. And I'll continue to have hope for all of my beautiful, intelligent, funny, creative, spiritual, talented, wonderful friends who are looking for their one guy...

Painting Party

2009-04-04T21:21:00.018-04:00

So, we decided to paint our apartment. Shaundra gave us the push we needed to get in gear. She and Lynette picked up the supplies from Lowes, but they forgot to get a paint stirrer...I headed out to the front stoop and pulled a branch of the tree. I had to whiddle it down a bit to get off the nobby parts.

I climbed up on the fireplace to paint the top of the wall with primer. It was a little crazy getting to the other side. I stretched my arms as far as they would go and shuffled across.

This is the icky ladder we borrowed from downstairs. It's so dirty, and it's not the sturdiest thing in the world...so of course my roommates were standing on the very top of it!

Obligatory self-photo. I know! It's been a long time. Don't pretend you didn't miss them!

So, they purple looks brighter than it actually is. It's really quite pretty.

Shaundra tackled most of the painting.

Lynette did quite a bit as well.

Laura had class and rehearsal, but she did paint and tape while she was home.

I painted the smaller areas...and I picked up lunch...and bought groceries for the party the following night (more on that in another blog).

Finished! Shaundra painted that picture. It matches the rug.

This is a print I bought from this Croatian artist I love. We painted a second mat the same color as the wall. Doesn't it just pop? I love it!

Shaundra bought this gorgeous rug!

So, we tried to hang the mirror. It didn't work. There is a rather large hole in the wall behind it.

Yay, we have a pretty apartment. Shaundra also painted the art deco pieces you see on the wall.

Yay!!!!

Rainy Days and Starless Nights

2009-04-03T23:20:00.003-04:00

Today was my first Friday off!!! Unfortunately, I did not manage to sleep in. Despite my fatigue, I woke up at 5:00, then 6:00, and again at 7:30. I pulled myself out of bed at 9:00 and headed to the living room to watch Regis and Kelly. When Lynette got up, we watched Flicka and then we decided to go for a walk.

It had been raining off and on all morning, but we decided to chance it. We walked down to Riverside Park, which tends to be where we usually end up. It drizzled on us for most of the way, and it poured on us on the way back! We had no umbrellas, but even though we had our subway passes, we decided to just walk back. How often do you have the luxury of just walking in the rain?

On the way back, we got some looks. As most people hovered under umbrellas or store fronts, we happily splashed through the rain and the puddles. Our fronts were drenched while our butts remained surprisingly dry. At one point, we got hit on...only in the Heights. Someone else told us to put our hoods up so we didn't get sick. We just continued to splash.

When we got home, we took some pics and then got cleaned up. We watched another movie and some of the scenes from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat that Lynette choreographed.

Tonight, Laura and I hung out. The Inwood Astronomy Project was hosting an event at Inwood Hill Park tonight. I watched the news last night for the first time in forever, and I saw the story on it. Basically, they wanted to give people in New York a chance to see the stars, which is hard since there are so many lights in the city. So, they arranged for the lights to be turned off in the park tonight. I thought it might get cancelled because of the rain, but it started to clear up, and they were a go, so I convinced Laura to head up there with me.

We met Jason, the director, and grabbed some free stuff while we waited to go into the park with everyone. After about a half hour and an impromtu shower, we headed in with everyone. Sadly, the clouds just weren't clearing out. We saw the moon and that's it. But it was interesting to listen to Jason talk about lights and stuff...and we got to hear his wife, Donna, and some other people sing Up, Up, Up in the Sky, which is a song that easily gets stuck in your head....it's kind of funny. Anyway, we also got chatted up by a park ranger, which is never a bad thing.

After a while, we decided that we just weren't going to see any stars tonight, so we headed back home and changed so we could to a housewarming party. We got there towards the end of the action and before anything else got started. So, we admired their apartment (it's Ah-dorable) and had a cookie before heading back home...sadly, we were trying to be social, but we weren't terribly successful. We talked to the few people we knew and decided it was time to go back home and clear out the dvr.

Furniture With Arms!

2009-04-02T21:02:00.010-04:00

So, a couple of weeks ago, we got new furniture...specifically, a new sofa and a chair and a half. Before that, we had a futon and a really uncomforable chair. We had some help from some MANLY men. Getting the couch into the apartment was a trial, but I did say a prayer that we'd get it in...

Here we have Mike and Bryan...by this point the couch was in the hall but they weren't sure they could get it into our narrow entryway.

They had to take off the back...

Here's John working on the other end of the couch.

Mike and Bryan have the back of the couch...

Nathan is trying to hold it up without getting squished underneath! This is while they were bringing it inside.

They're almost there! Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!!!

They made it! John, Bryan, Mike, and Nathan all have reasons to smile!

Here's our Manly Marcus...he helped out in the beginning, when they loaded the furniture on the truck Shaundra rented (it's because of Shaundra that we have real furniture!), but he had to leave. He did make it back in time to get some pizza...

Emotionally Drained...

2009-03-28T19:23:00.002-04:00

Today, I went to the Eastern Region Drama Therapy Conference. It was a really great day, but it was really draining. I got to see my friend Tony's improv troupe, and it was FANTASTIC!

In the morning, I went to Brant's workshop on Alba Emoting. He presented with Hyrum, who is a Level 5 trainer (Brant's a Level 4).

Prior to this training, I have only had one other experience with Alba Emoting (If you are really curious enough about Alba Emoting, Google it...it's too much to write about here---all you need to know is that it deals with emotions, breath patterns, and the body). Brant walked us through the Tenderness pattern in one of our grad classes. It was an interesting experience because I did not feel tenderness at all. It was three days after I found out I was sick, although I didn't know specifically what was wrong. As I connected with my body, I felt an overwhelming sadness because my body had betrayed me. I wasn't ready to talk about it, so I fought it.

This time around, I was determined to accept whatever emotion came my way. I had a hard time relaxing during the partner warm-up. I just have not been connected to my body lately. I've been too tired for yoga, and I'm holding a lot of tension in my body from work and commuting. And as I tried hard to let go, it felt like I was just tensing myself up more.

Anyway, I had some interesting experiences with the two patterns we did today: Tenderness and Anger. I wanted to write about it simply because I need to process, and because I'm trying to take care of myself more. If I put it out there, then I have to acknowledge it.

Tenderness Pattern
When we were doing the pattern, as I was breathing, I had an image come to mind. I had an image of myself being held. It was a moment of tenderness that I had experienced. As I saw this image, I began to cry. I struggled to hold the smile that was required in this pattern. I was just overcome by sadness. It was a different sadness than the last time I did the Tenderness pattern. After we finished the pattern, Hyrum remarked on my sadness. I nodded that I knew I was sad, and why I was sad. He expressed it, maybe knowing intuitively why I was sad, or simply remarking on typical reasons people experienced sadness in this pattern: For some, you don't experience tenderness enough or you get rejected when you try to express it.

I think that in some ways it was kind of both for me. I don't get to experience receiving tenderness very often, which does sadden me. I give it, a lot, but I don't end up on the receiving end of tenderness (not that I'm not loved, but that's different). I honestly think this is one of my issues, especially when it comes to men and relationships. My father is not a tender man, or at least, I haven't really experienced receiving tenderness from him. My dad (step) and I do not have that kind of relationship, although he is a wonderful, loving man. Tenderness is something that usually comes from a daddy, and the man who filled that role, my papa, is gone. I think that not having that kind of relationship makes it difficult for me to stay open to receiving tenderness. Staying open means being vulnerable, which opens me up to being hurt. I've been hurt, in multiple ways by multiple people. It sucks. It's scary to open myself up to that. And that saddens me.

Anger Pattern
This was a very interesting experience. We started by tensing our mouth, then our lower eyelids. Then we flared our nostrils. Then we tensed our fists into hard rocks, and we tensed our buttocks. As I was tensing my body this way, I felt tension in my abdomen. As we were instructed to release that tension, I began to weep. I was sad, again. I had connected to the part of my body that gave me so much trouble. Not my abs, but what was under them. And of course, my abs were affected by the tumor because they had to rip through them to get it out. As I connected to my body and as I cried, I realized that I was sad...I was sad because I had never allowed myself to be sad about the actual cancer, and I was sad because I never allowed myself to feel angry about it. I just held onto the belief that I would be okay. I had received a blessing that told me as much. There was no reason to be angry, and I didn't have time to be sad. Instead, I laughed. And I comforted everyone else. I spent so much time reassuring others that I was fine and that I would be fine.

From all of this, I realized that through the cancer, and even through the five deaths the year before, I was never taken care of. I spent my time as the caretaker. It's a role I took on at an early age, and it's one that I carry personally and professionally. I play it well. As a result, I don't get taken care of...I caretake myself as much as I can, but obviously, I've still got issues.

Through both of those experiences, I hid the tears most of the time. I cried privately, I mourned privately. The Lord is the only one I turned to for comfort as I plead with Him to let me continue to live...even though I knew I probably wouldn't die, and even though I didn't fear death, I still wasn't ready to die. But this I only did in the privacy of my bed late at night. My family did their best to take care of me, but I guess I just didn't let them. I know that if I had turned to them, they would have taken care of me, but I saw them struggling, and so I took care of myself.

It's what I always do. I am the bucket. People come to me with their problems, and I listen and let them fill my bucket with their slop. I take in, but I don't always let it out.

During the warm-up, my partner had to stretch my body. She started with my head. I was supposed to turn my head (and the rest of my limbs) over to her. It was a struggle. I was trying to release, but I couldn't, and instead of just moving me through the stretches to loosen me up, she kept telling me to let go. That just made it worse. Brant told her to just stretch me anyway, but she didn't do it to the full extent...I spent a lot of time loosening up my muscles on my own afterward.

I have a hard time letting go. I like to be in control. I have to be. But if she would have just gone throught the stretches, I would have loosened up. It's the same in life. So far, no one has been in a position to force me into "stretching," into loosening up. Sometimes I think how nice it would have been to have been married when I went through losing my family members...there would have been someone to hold me when I grieved. I don't know if I would have turned myself over to a spouse to take care of me through the cancer...I would probably have started caretaking again. But maybe not.

Sometimes I look at those situations, and I am grateful to know that I was able to survive simply by relying on the Lord. Don't get me wrong, my family was extremely supportive and loving. I am forever grateful to them and I continue to need their presence and love in my life. They have given me so much and continue to give and guide.

But I am the caretaker. I don't really know how to be taken care of. I know I'm strong enough to survive whatever the Lord sends my way, but am I strong enough to let go, to lose control, to step into the unknown? Am I strong enough to accept my emotions, to feel my emotions? I don't want to be angry at God for the cancer, but part of grieving is anger. Maybe I should have let myself feel it at some point. And I am sure there is anger for other situations buried in there somewhere. But letting go sometimes feels weak.

Am I strong enough to become weak so that I might truly be made strong?

Paint Nazis

2009-03-23T18:25:00.002-04:00

So, Shaundra, Lynette, and I decided today that we are going to paint our living room...Laura said she doesn't care, so it's a go.

There is a little hardware store on the corner. Mom went there forever ago to make copies of my keys...so Shaundra and I went in to pick up some paint samples. Our furniture is kind of an olive green, and we have a terra cotta fireplace, so we have to be careful color wise. We knew that we wanted a purple of some sort and a yellow. But there were A LOT of options. So, we did what normal people do---we picked out all of the colors we like and we were going to bring them back and compare with our furniture and the fireplace.

We picked out about 15-20 paint samples, and then the guy that worked there (owned it?) told us that we couldn't take that many. The strips were just for mixing the paint. We could each take about two. You go to Home Depot and they have lots you can take. Here, two. So, we said, fine, and we started weeding out the samples. I put them back, and actually straightened up their display in the process. We finally got it narrowed down to five strips. One of the strips was really like a half strip. So, Shaundra turns around and asks them if we could take just one extra. No, those are for mixing. You go to Home Depot. I know, but you said we could have four, and it's just one more. No. I offered to pay for it---Can I give you a dollar for it? No.

So, Shaundra threw down the small one and said, fine, we've got our four. We're going. And she walked out of the store.

The man (by this time there were two of them...they had been Big Brothering us while we made decisions, because heaven forbid we actually try to stuff a bunch of samples into our purses and run) said to me, You understand don't you? I do understand, I said, as I walked out, but we're not coming back.

We'll go to Home Depot, Wal-Mart,and Target to get what we need now. We were happy to support the small business in our neighborhood, but we refuse to use them now. I would have gone to them for all of my future hardware needs---I'm thinking of painting my closet of a room---but not anymore. We do not support paint nazis.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

2009-03-22T08:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, so it's been a while since I've written...that's been happening a lot! But, it's because there has been a lot going on that I couldn't write about until I got it completely worked out.

I went to Vermont at the end of February with Mom, Mimi, and Aunt Nita. Mom and Nita skiied, and Mimi and I rested, quilted, watched movies, and shopped. During this trip, I also made a decision about what to do next. I've been extremely burnt out thanks to my 3-hour a day commute, and feeling a little unsatisfied. I also hadn't been creative in about a year...designing this new quilt was the first creative thing since I came to New York. I new I needed to make a change, but I had no idea what to do.

I've been exploring all of my options...

1. Grad School....but do I do Social Work, Counseling, or do I get a Ph.D? And then in what? Counseling? Theatre for Young Audiences? Expressive Arts Counseling? Do I move? Am I ready to move?

2. Do I just look for a new job? One that's closer? Even if it's not in my field?

3. Do I quit my job and pursue my desire to be a talk show host? Which means a crappy job, lots of auditioning, and the huge chance that I will fail?

I had no idea what to do, but I knew the steps for each option so that once the Lord let me know what was right, I could move on it.

Well, that week in Vermont, I figured it out. Mimi asked me what I really wanted to do? I told her, "Really, I'd just like to go live in some cute village or town for three months and write." Of course, that is not an option...money is problem there.

But we decided that I needed time to create. I have several different creative projects I want to do. We also decided (and I had decided with Mom a couple of weeks earlier) that I needed to go back to school. I need more training, more education, and more letters behind my name in order to do the kind of work I want to do (I want to use drama therapy and yoga with women who have eating disorders, pregnant teens, and children of meth addicts). But I am not ready to leave New York, and I am ready to start school as soon as possible.

The answer? I am starting a grad program in Mental Health Counseling through Capella University, which is an online program. I will have to attend two residencies, which are week long intensives that run 8-5 for six days. I will also have to do practicum hours, which I'm looking forward to. Everything else is completely online.

This will give me the flexibility that I need to learn, to create, and rejuvenate after this past year.

Ever since I got sick, I've been trying to find balance....I really think this will get me one step closer.

I gave my notice two Fridays ago. As of April 1, I will work part time, three days a week (T,W,TH) until June 11, by which time they will have replaced me. This way, I'm not leaving them hanging...Passover is in a couple of weeks, we still haven't been surveyed by the state, and there is a lot of paperwork to be done each week. I am hoping that by June, I will have found something part time in the city...maybe working with kids doing drama, maybe just working as an extra in movies and tv shows.

As crazy as it may sound to quit my job and go back to school in the middle of an economic crisis, especially because I live in one of the most expensive cities there is, it's the first thing that has felt right. It will all work out. I've no doubt of that.

The Unfairness of it All

2009-03-06T17:09:00.003-05:00

One of my residents found out today that their only child was killed last night in a car accident.

We lose residents all the time--I do work in a nursing home. We lose residents all the time, and I never cry for them. Not once. Everytime I think I will, I surprise myself by not doing it. I'm always happy for them. I'm happy that their pain is gone. I'm happy that they've finished this life and moved on to the next. But they're supposed to die. They've lived their lives.

I cried today when I sat with my resident. I cried for the child and I cried for the resident and I cried the tears that are still there for the ones I lost. This death seemed unfair, like so many others. It was sudden. The child was still young (late 50s, early 60s), and had young grandbabies. There was still life to be lived. I cried for all that was lost by a death that seemed too soon.

I have an understanding of death. I have watched it happen. I have also been surprised by it. I have grieved, I have cried, I have comforted, I have been comforted. Even with the knowledge and understanding I have about death, there are still times when it seems unfair.

Photo Shoots

2009-02-08T21:54:00.015-05:00

Okay, so I finally got around to uploading the pictures from the photo shoots in December. My friend John Stevenson took the photos, and he did a wonderful job. So, here they are. Hope you enjoy!

Ramblin' Just a Bit...

2009-02-05T19:17:00.003-05:00

I just realized that it has been about three weeks since I last blogged. Cuh-razee.

Yesterday was my one year anniversary at my job. Yay me! I don't think I've ever held a job that long. I get bored very easily, and tend to change things. Guess stability comes with being a grown-up.

Erika and I have been doing well with the gym...we've gone twice a week together for the past few weeks. Except for this week. We've both been extremely tired for some unknown reason.

My new iPhone is treating me well. It's nice because I can use the internet on the subway (above ground), my phone doesn't die mid conversation, and because I can listen to music while I commute. Of course, my music also makes me want to break out my dance moves, and I can't really do that on the subway...I miss dancing in my car.

I miss having a car! I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I really miss having a way to just go. I have been looking into some educational options, and I found a program in New Hampshire that does weekend classes (for training in Eating Disorders). Of course, I work on Saturdays, so that's not an option even if I had a car, but in theory, if I had a car and Saturdays off, I could totally swing driving to New Hampshire once a week for a class. Oh, well.

The apartment is quiet a lot. Carrie is back in D.C. for good, so it's just me and Laura. Lynette doesn't get back until March. It's still weird to me how quiet things are here. Our apartment used to be full of loud girlishness.

I have pictures from the photo shoot with John...I'll get some posted soon.

I am working on my RDT application so I can be registered as a drama therapist. Not sure if I'm gonna make the March 15th deadline. The hours are going to be extremely close, but I'm gonna try. If not, it's not a huge deal. I'll get it in August. It doesn't really change much of anything, but it'll be nice to have.

My mom finished the BYU quilt I designed. So, now I need to polish up the pattern and get it patented so I can try to sell it! I'm designing another quilt, but I can't say too much about it because I'm planning it as a gift for someone...I don't want to spoil the surprise...hopefully, they'll like it. I do.

I have been planning on growing my hair out...I even have pictures of celebs with the hair style I want hanging on my bulletin board...but my hair seriously needs to be trimmed a bit since it's growing out and it looks like crap (one of my resident's told me yesterday that I didn't look like myself, it was my hair...she basically told me I looked like crap--I felt like crap, too--old people get to say pretty much whatever they want), and today, I looked at it, and thought to myself, "I should just keep it short. It looks so good short." But I have always wanted to grow it out! We'll see if I actually make it this time.

Mom and my great-aunt are coming up at the end of the month, and we are heading up to Vermont to ski! I'm really looking forward to getting out the City for a few days. It'll be nice to spend time with family, and I am looking forward to skiing. It's been a while since I've been on skis...about four years, I think.

I've been reading a lot lately (that's not really new, I guess)...I'm trying to get into a book that John recommended (Angela's Ashes). It's a memoir, and it has the potential to be really good (it probably is really good), but I'm having a hard time getting into it. I put it down and read a fluff book today. I'm starting a new mystery of sorts...The Rosetta Key, I think. After that, I'm gonna give Thomas Hardy's Far From the Maddening Crowd a go...although, I may not be in the mood for it. We'll see.

I guess that's about it...

My 1 Year Anniversary...

2009-01-16T06:43:00.003-05:00

As of two days ago, I have been in the City for one whole year! This time last year, I was crashing with Megs and Nathan, interviewing at a temp agency, and apartment hunting. One year ago today, I was interviewing for my current job. (P.S. I got it!)

A year later, I am working in my field, living in my adorable apartment, and loving my life in New York City.

It's crazy how time flies. In less than a month, I will have hit my year mark at work (February 4), which is just wild.

In the past year, my life has changed so much, and all for the better. Who knows what this year will bring?

Delores Is Back in Town

2009-01-12T22:07:00.002-05:00

Delores, my bowling alter-ego, made a reappearance tonight at FHE. Megan was hosting tonight, and she has a really looooooooong hallway that is PERFECT for bowling.

So, she set up some paper cups, pulled out the pink Spiderman bouncy ball, and we went to town.

Hallway bowling is not the easiest thing to do my friends, especially since her floor was slightly crooked and the ball liked to bounce. A lot.

I, however, as Delores, bowled a whopping 25 (we only had about 5 turns), and was the high scorer of the night. I'm telling ya, whenever Delores bowls, she bowls well. The other participants of the night were Mack Attack (Julie), LuLu (Laura, my roommate), Alice (Jamie), and Boomer(Megan). Shaundra bowled one frame, but she had to leave early, and I can't remember her name...Lucky Lucy, maybe?

Anyway, it made for a fun night...and it made me want to go bowling for real!

Do-A Deer

2009-01-11T17:36:00.003-05:00

I played choir today. My friend Megan is the new choir director and to show my support, I decided to join the choir.

Now, I don't know the first thing about singing. I can't read music, I don't know the difference between the melody line and the other stuff. I can tell when notes go up and down, but I don't know what notes they are. And I don't know anything about pitches, or singing so that you start on the note they give you on the piano. I don't even know if I should sing alto or attempt soprano.

Everything I know about singing comes from listening...if I don't know the tune, I listen to everyone sing a verse and then I join in. That's about it.

So, today, I pretended that I knew what I was doing. I think I ended up singing soprano. I don't know if I'll stay there. I just tried to listen to the girls on each side of me, match them, and not mess up. They didn't kick me out, so I guess it wasn't awful. Sadly, I know I'm not the worst singer in the choir.

And when it was all over, Megan gave us treats. Yummm.

The Kindergarten Approach

2009-01-07T20:49:00.002-05:00

So, in the past year, I have developed what I call "The Kindergarten Approach." Remember how in kindergarten it was so easy to make friends? You saw someone who had a toy you liked, or was wearing a dress/shirt/skirt/etc. that you liked, or perhaps they were coloring with the same color crayon...whatever. Somehow, they attracted your attention, and pretty much all you had to do was walk up to them, start playing, and pretty soon you were best friends.

I'm pretty sure that something like that happened with me and my kindergarten best friend, Lauren Pinkerton. I showed up at kindergarten a week late, with my pretty blonde hair and a cute dress, telling everyone about my recent trip to Disney World (thank you Mom!), and Lauren Pinkerton walked up to me. We became instant best friends. That afternoon, after school, we were already begging her dad and my nana for a play date.

Well, as years went by, and I grew older, it just wasn't quite as easy to make friends (it wasn't terribly challenging, but it just didn't happen like that). When I moved out here, I started meeting people that I liked for some reason or another. The social scene moves differently out here than it did in Utah, Arkansas, or Kansas. It's just the flow of the City, I guess. So, I decided to use the kindergarten approach.

Whenever I met someone new who I wanted to be friends with (Megan, Katie, Julie), I would tell them (after talking to them a bit), "I like you. We should be friends." And then they echoed the same thought, and we were friends. Usually, some sort of "play date" was planned, and we hung out, thus sealing our friendship. This approach just seemed more honest and straightforward, and face it, I'm pretty cool, so I figured they want to be my friend anyway! Only slightly kidding there.

Now mind you, I only did this with other girls. I just wasn't sure how that approach would work with guys...telling the opposite sex, "I like you. We should be friends," didn't exactly seem like the appropriate approach.

However, back in June, when Elizabeth came to visit, we went to see Cry Baby with my friend Steph. Afterwards, we met the lead, James Snyder, and got our pictures taken with him. He was also selling his CD, so I bought it, and he came over and signed it. We chatted a bit, and then we left the theatre. He had told me to add him on MySpace and to email him, so I did. I told him I liked his CD, and that it was too bad he was heading back to L.A. soon because we should SO be friends! I asked him if he was playing any shows in the City before he left, and I made reference to the gay Asian (or gaysian, as Elizabeth coined him) guy that was there that night, and closed the email.

I checked my MySpace for a response over the next couple of days, but then I figured, heck, dude's kinda famous, he's not gonna write me back. And I soon forgot about it. I'm not much of a MySpacer...I prefer Facebook.

Well, tonight my friend Nate requested to be friends with me on MySpace, so I headed on to add him. Lo and behold, I had some unchecked email on MySpace. I went in to delete it, and what should I see but an email from James! It was posted about three weeks after my email was sent (and like seven months ago). I opened it, and turns out, he was cool with being my friend. He told me about his upcoming gig (yeah, totally missed that), and joked about the gaysian guy, and told me to keep in touch. I emailed him back tonight, although it's been so long that I really doubt if I'll hear from him (he's seems like such a nice, fun, guy though, and I was serious about wanting to be his friend, and JUST his friend).

But, it's totally AWESOME that my Kindergarten Approach worked on a guy! Check me out!

New Year, New...Something

2009-01-01T08:21:00.003-05:00

Well, it's the first day of the new year. Which is just completely crazy to me. This year has flown by. A year ago, I was packing up my life getting ready to move to New York. It seems like yesterday, and yet at the same time, it feels like forever ago.

My family (Mom, Mimi, Franklin, LiLi, YaYa, and BB) came up here for Christmas. It was nice. Chaotic, but nice. Everything was just kind of low-key, which is exactly what I needed. We hung out at my apartment, we hung out with my friends, and we ate good food. My Mom and my friend John did a good job of blogging about our Christmas this year, so I'll leave that to them.

This past year, I have focused on knowing my limits and on listening to my body. Ever since the cancer, I feel like I those are two of the things that I really need to focus on, simply because I didn't do it before. One of the things I have learned is that I reach my limit a lot sooner than I used to. I don't have the same level of energy that I once did. I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I think that my body went through so much trauma (especially because I was working so hard and had such a crazy schedule in those months before I knew I was sick; I was just going and going and going and trying to get everything done and stay afloat and at the same time, my body was fighting the tumor) that it won't ever fully recover. That's okay, I just have to listen to when my body is telling me to slow down, and I have to actually slow down.

I'm going to keep focusing on those two goals during this new year (and probably for the rest of my life). So those are my first two New Year's Goals. My third goal is to actually take better care of my body. I'm going to go to the gym with Erika, I'm going to try to eat more well-rounded meals (I actually don't eat that many "bad" foods, I just don't always get in a balanced meal, and I know I need to be better about that).

My fourth goal is to focus more on my spiritual self. This includes preparing for Sunday School and Relief Society, going to the Temple more, and magnifying my calling.

My fifth goal is to live in the present. I worry too much about what's coming up next that sometimes I forget to focus on now. I always have. I have a difficult time just going along without knowing what's down the road. I know I have trust issues, so I can only assume that I'm having a difficult time trusting in the Lord and His plan for me. Of course, part of it is also that I want to follow the Lord's plan for me; I just don't adjust to change very well, so I like to be VERY prepared for what's coming. But, this year, I'm going to really focus on just being open to whatever comes, and in the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy life for the gift that it is. Part of living in the present means enjoying my time in New York: dinner with friends, going to plays, museums, and movies. It also means spending time with family and friends whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Which leads me to my sixth goal: I'm going to Florida to visit Patti and Jon and Lila. Right after I finish my seventh goal, which is to get my RDT application in.

My eighth goal is to write more. Write more blogs, write more letters/emails, and write more stories.

My ninth goal is to listen more. That's how we get to know people and to love them, and everyone could stand a little more love in the world.

So those are my nine goals for 2009. I'm going to use my scrapbook supplies to make pretty, little goal cards to hang in my room so I don't forget them.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year and that it brings you the absolute best!

Gyms and Naked Ladies

2008-12-18T06:37:00.003-05:00

Erika and I have joined a gym. We got a month-to-month contract and are splitting a membership. We found a gym really close to work (and close to the train I take and the freeway that Erika uses to go home...pretty perfect, actually), and we went last night. They must have been pretty desperate for clients because every time we said we couldn't afford the package they were offering, they kept going down. Which is how we are splitting a no-contract gym membership for only $37/month (cheap by NY standards, especially considering how huge this gym is). Our plan is to go after work at least three days a week. We also have the luxury of going to any gym in NY or NJ, so we can go on the days we don't work together if we want.

Last week, we tried out Bikram yoga (Hot yoga). They turn the heat up to about 100 degrees and you go through 26 postures. It was AWESOME! I loved it, and went back a second time with Carrie, but it's expensive and it's out of the way for Erika to do regularly (it's on the LES).

When we did yoga, Erika and I were both a little surprised (not sure why) that these women had no problem getting naked in the locker room. One lady had just gotten out of the shower, had her towel around her waist, and was standing at her locker texting.

Last night, at the gym, we walk into the locker room and go find a locker out of the way. I'm changing my shoes, and Erika and I are talking when this overweight, Russian lady walks up completely naked. No towel. Nothing. And she proceeds to walk right in between us. It took everything in my power not to start laughing at the awkwardness of the situation. I was talking to Erika the whole time, but couldn't look at her because if I did, I would get an eyeful of naked Russian lady.

We are definitely in for an experience as we attempt to get fit!